Summer 2019 Mental Health Update

TRIGGER WARNING MENTAL HEALTH POST (DEATH IS TALKED ABOUT)

There are many faces to mental health, the world and social media typically see me smiling. Most of the summer this was my true face but the last 6/7 weeks have been hard in our house. The summer started out great and it stayed great most of the way through the boys break which is a big thing for me. I struggle hard in the spring and summer. I have had the term reverse SAD brought up by a couple of doctors. I don’t know enough about it, but if it is what it seems, I would say that it is pretty true for me.

I am selfish?

Is making myself a priority selfish. I struggle with this, I struggle with balancing caring for myself and caring for my family. I can’t imagine trying to work out of the home and balance it all. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed at where to begin that I don’t do anything at all. This happens way more then it should. I struggle with shutting down when I am overwhelmed. Do I retreat to protect myself from failure? I think I do, why am I so afraid of failing? Like I would rather not try then fail. I am afraid of failing my children, husband and family.

I struggle with keeping house, so much that it brings me to tears probably once a week. I want to keep a home like you expect from a stay at home mom. Instead, I am always drowning in laundry and needing to vacuum.

I am going to step away now before I start crying. Sorry about the abrupt ending.

Inner Demons

The day that I could wake up and not have to deal with the stress  with out wanting to shop. The feeling it gives me I can’t even explain, it is like doing drugs. I don’t mean to go over budget or buy all the little things (those add up quickly). We constantly talk about in therapy about this. I am worried for the day that C doesn’t understand anymore. What will come of me. How do I learn to fix this, how do I learn to stop?