TRIGGER WARNING MENTAL HEALTH POST (DEATH IS TALKED ABOUT)
There are many faces to mental health, the world and social media typically see me smiling. Most of the summer this was my true face but the last 6/7 weeks have been hard in our house. The summer started out great and it stayed great most of the way through the boys break which is a big thing for me. I struggle hard in the spring and summer. I have had the term reverse SAD brought up by a couple of doctors. I don’t know enough about it, but if it is what it seems, I would say that it is pretty true for me.
So I spent most of the second part of June trying to not go manic and failing. That wasn’t even the worst part. Most of July and August I was so depressed I couldn’t function. The idea of self care was anxiety inducing. I took care of my children and that was all I could manage and that wasn’t even at 100%. I would never wish this on my worse enemy. Summer has always been the toughest season for me, I have no idea why. After finally getting in to see my care team and lots of talking we are changing my meds after two years. I can say I am super nervous about this process. Anyone ever been through the process of changing there mood stabilizer what was it like?
The Bleak Bitch, I have finally found a name for the nastiness that lives in my head. I hope one day to be free of this, Schizoaffective Disorder-Bipolar Type. When I feel up is it because I am happy or is it because it is lying to me. I am always in an internal war, does one know what it feels like to not be able to trust your mind. It is extremely hard when having a rough day and the boys are being boys. Yes I understand that mama’s can be down and out but I have to figure out if it’s them or me. And to be honest most days it is hard to sort it all out. Yes I am on meds and it helps but it isn’t the key. I want to not always be questioning the moment I am. I would like to have a brain going a million miles an hour. I want to know me, with out the lies. I have know idea who I am, I have been battling this since I was a teenager. Will I ever get to know me?
Any spelling or grammar errors please forgive, this was written after taking an ambien.
Linking Up With
Recently someones comments on Facebook really got me thinking. The comment was about Mental Illness and I took it as if people with mental illness would buck up and move on they would be fine. Well I wish I could tell this person I wish it was as easy as bucking up and moving on. This person has no idea what it is like to live like this? I didn’t choose this nor would I wish this on my worst enemy.
They have no idea what it is like to live everyday taking meds that just take the edge off, they in no way shape or form make me normal. It took years of living in a never ending turmoil and doctors not listening till I finally got answers.
If you have a love one that needs helps, please take them to a psychiatrist not just a general doctor. Get them the help they deserve.
I am the face of Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type.