reflection 2 months out.

So two months out of the hospital and I can say for the most part I feel better then I have felt in my life. The longer I am in therapy. The more I am learning about myself and how to handle situations in the past that I would have blown up at. I can tell that the medication is working even if we have to tweak some things. I am lucky that my care team is awesome, going through the program I am going through I was worried. My fear was that I was going to get people who were burnt out and didn’t care. My psychiatrist said it best in my first appointment with him, “if he was in it for the money he would have a private practice, he is where he is at to help us.” I know that once my time is up, I will be referred to other doctors. That time is rapidly approaching and I am praying that I am as lucky this time. I finally asked my doctor what my official diagnosis is. I am still processing it also but with time I will share. I still haven’t shared what lead me to get help, I am still not there yet. I can say though that the first step admitting I need help was the hardest. I know that I am not really sharing much in this post outside f saying things are improving daily.

If you feel that you need help don’t be afraid to ask, there are systems in place to help. I have been extremely lucky that during this process I have seen how strong my support system is. I am so thankful for them, I am blessed to have great family and friends.

bobbibabblessiggy

Free Write

I feel like I have take about 5 steps back in my getting on the right track this week. We are all recovering from a cold just strong enough to bring us down. So I know that I slept too much over the weekend and it has thrown be all over the place emotions wise. I know havig to deal with my mother in a pretty stressful siuation on Monday and Tuesday didn’t help at all. I don’t remember her once saying thank you after me driving to Ft. Worth for twice in two days. One of those days getting myself and my boys up before 6 am. Making me put my boys in the car for long amounts of time. Poor Ollie yesterday was a train wreck, he wanted to be held tight all day after spending too much time in the car. I don’t what has come over Ian today, we weren’t up 5 minutes and he was in time out for trying to hit me. The day has could be described as actions that lead to time out and time out. Poor kid, I know he is craving affection which I am trying to give but pulling my hair while hugging me or running up and hitting the dog for no reason are not allowed. Lastly oh the house, it was so easy to keep clean then I got sick first and lets just say trying to pick up isn’t as easy right now. Can someone also explain to my husband that the shoe basket isn’t or dirty socks!

bobbibabblessiggy

Asking for Help was the Hardest

I thinking I am going to break up asking for help, the diagnosis and the stay into their own posts. The timeline might jump but I think it is what will flow most naturally for me.

Getting Help:

As a lot of you know I recently got help for what I now know is bi-polar disorder along with some postpartum psychological issues. The hardest part was making that first call; if it wasn’t for the lovely ladies of twitter and my husband I would still be in a very bad spot. I made the call and they chose to send an team out to talk to me right then at 11pm, I guess I must have sounded really bad. I didn’t know this until asking for help, if a team is coming out to asses you they send the police to make sure you are not a danger. So around 11:30 to police cruisers quietly pulled into my neighborhood, and knocked on my door. Which I rushed to hoping they wouldn’t wake up my sleeping children, I think in hindsight I am glad they slept through it all. I think it would have been much harder on all of us if they would have woken up.

This was all going on in the middle of the night. After I got to the hospital and through all the protocols it was 5 am, I had yet to sleep. I got into my room and slept through breakfast.

I will mention again asking for help is hard. If you feel as if you need it don’t be afraid to ask it is there. I will write more when I can. On an sort of disjointed note, I have already had to change meds once. The first meds were $$$, now I feel as if these second meds aren’t as effective. I know that the meds are not a fix all. I just am feeling very uneven again, to a point not to the extreme that I was. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow.

Help is available

If you follow me on twitter you know that I recently sought help for some mental health issues. The help ended with a stay in the mental health hospital, I am not going to lie it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows. It was help I needed and help I am glad that I got. There is help out there, I am writing this post to help share some of the resources out there.

I wouldn’t have even known where to start with out the amazing ladies of #PPDCHAT hashtag on twitter, ran/founded by the amazing Lauren she also owns My Postpartum Voice. Thanks to her and the other ladies, I was led to the other resources that helped me.

Resource #1
I don’t know about other states but in the state of Texas, each county has a MHMR. I am pretty sure this is the statewide 24 hour crisis number they ask your location when you call.
1-800-762-0157

Resource#2
The National Suicide Hotline this number is also 24hours a day.
1-800-273-TALK

There are many more resources that I don’t know of and don’t list here. If you know of more and would like to add them to the comments please feel free. I am lucky that these resources were there for me and I want to share so that I can help at least one person.