Motherhood has not come naturally to me. Five years ago when I had Ian, I had all these ideas about how I should feel and act. Some of which had been “helpful friends and family” telling me how I should feel.
I know some women say that they loved their baby the moment it was placed in their arms. How is it that we are supposed to have immediate relationships with our babies, it isn’t expected in other facet of life. I will admit, I cared for my boys from the moment they were born but this all encompassing love woman speak of took about three months. I imagine raging PPD and PPS didn’t help.
Why do I bring this up? Tonight in church, I had just Ollie and he was being a typical 3 year old. In my head though I kept thinking why won’t he be quiet and sit. Look at the families around me. What am I doing wrong? And then I turn it inward and think why don’t have the patience to handle this calmly and with grace. I just wanted to take him and leave, I didn’t we stayed till the end but it pushed both of us almost to our breaking point.
When will I feel like I am enough?
When I was 18, I dreamed of the day that I could get my first tattoo. I wanted my family brand surrounded by the outline of the state of Texas. Well last week I made that dream come true, it wasn’t my first tattoo but it has been a dream for nearly ten years to have it.
Will the artist and I before we started.
I don’t know why I have always put this off, maybe it is the placement. Maybe it is what my parents are going to say about me getting another tattoo. I don’t know what held me back for so long.
The outline, last chance to turn back
As the wrr of the gun started I took one last deep breath and let all the anxiety I was having go. I relished the pain knowing that I was doing this for me and only me. It wasn’t to please anyone else it was something I wanted for most of my adult life.
No turning back now
Tears welled in my eyes not from pain but from the realization I am the only one who can make my dreams come true. I am the master of how my story goes. I can only be afraid of what others think to a point, I can’t let that fear keep me from living.
I left feeling like I had just done something great for myself. Maybe it is because I have lost a bit of myself with becoming a mom and wife. That is no ones fault, if anyone can be blamed it is me. I need to remember that every once in a while the woman that is Bobbi needs some attention too.
I then went and took myself to the movies to see “It is a good day to Die Hard”, I am so thankful for Abby and Gabe watching the boys so I could have a little time for me.
I am not gonna lie, I don’t mind two in diapers. I would let Ian wait till he was ready. The reason we are going to push it is he is reaching the age where people have started making judgmental comments about him being in diapers.
So this year we are going no where for Thanksgiving and Ian has no school the while week. So as of yesterday and a long conversation with Abby, it was decided that I am going to stop avoiding it and bring on the potty training. You my wonder why I am blogging about so far in advance. Well I am gonna need advice, mama support and a bit of push.
So wish us luck, here we go.