I seem to always come back here when my brain is full. There is a lot going on in the world right now. It is a lot for my brain to process. I am already at like a 5 for anxiety most of the time and now it is hovering around an 8/9 most days. Last week the boys were home for spring break and that has been extended a week. We were just casual last week, no real routine. I already saw the breakdown of a week of no routine. So do I do what we do in the summer? We talked about what is going on, they understand as much as they can. On the other hand, the d&d games that take places in our home have been suspended until April. So there goes my interaction with people outside of my family. I am worried how my mental health will be in two-three weeks time during an already precocious time of the year for me. Things I am doing, since I only get a limited number of rescue anxiety meds : Daily Dance Parties, Blogging (I mean It’s here might as well use it), New Make Up Looks, and I ordered a bunch of crossword puzzles. I would love to say I would read, I have so many books on my kindle. I don’t think my attention span is there right now. I do have quite a few audible books though (I could try that). I also have my comics and graphic novels. I can’t take the boys to library to get more books because it is closed (and social distancing). I know I will rely heavily on my pocket friends and I am glad they are there. I have had to make myself relax my jaw a lot the past few days and now I am having to do the same with my neck and shoulders. What are your social distancing plans? Last night I said to C, “I feel like the world’s on fire”, his response “Not on fire but warm”.
You might have noticed the silence the last week. The break started because one of my boys and I were sick. Then as we were feeling better, I decided to take a week long break. I have been working hard on all things, BadWolfBobbi since the beginning of the summer. I am not complaining, I love social media it makes me happy. I do all this because it brings me joy, I hope being open about my mental health and life will help others no they are not alone.
Life with invisible illness is lonely a lot of the time. A lot of friendships today are superficial, which get exhausting after a while. Those true friends that will talk to you about anything even during the dark times are gems. I am lucky that I have an amazing group of friends that I can celebrate the good and damn those people are there when I push everyone away and the darkness is winning. I have some bad ass besties that will beat down the wall and get me talking when I need too but don’t want too. This happens a lot, it is easy to shut down and not share how I am really feeling.
I am that annoying friend that can tell when you need an ear. I love when my friends need a friend back, because I feel like I am the taker in a lot of my friendships. I don’t want to be that way, I want to be a great friend. I want to be to my friends what they are too me. Anxiety is a fickle beast; it is always telling you aren’t good enough. Or at least mine is. It is amazing how you can be having a good day and then feel like you are floating in a pool of a thousand hand buzzers. It comes out of no where sometimes and it last for minutes to hours. It is hard to explain to people. I have no idea if any of this made sense it was just what was on my mind tonight. I hope you have a great week.
TRIGGER WARNING MENTAL HEALTH POST (DEATH IS TALKED ABOUT)
There are many faces to mental health, the world and social media typically see me smiling. Most of the summer this was my true face but the last 6/7 weeks have been hard in our house. The summer started out great and it stayed great most of the way through the boys break which is a big thing for me. I struggle hard in the spring and summer. I have had the term reverse SAD brought up by a couple of doctors. I don’t know enough about it, but if it is what it seems, I would say that it is pretty true for me.
I don’t know if anyone noticed but I dove back into blogging last week. After basically being MIA for the last 3 years maybe longer. It wasn’t that I didn’t love blogging anymore. I do, I mean there was a post here and there. It was that I was floundering, I didn’t know where I fit into the blogging world anymore and what I want my blog to be. Believe it are not there was a 6 month period in there where I thought I would let my domains go and just have my archives. Then I was like that isn’t what I want. I enjoy writing, I enjoy sharing MY life (more on that later) and things that make it easier. I knew that I couldn’t be a Mommy Blog anymore, which is what this blog started out as. Does anyone remember “When did I go from a Kid to a Grown Up?”, my blog’s original title. I started it when Ian was 2 months old. I doubt my boys want a full blog dedicated to them and their lives? When I realized I wasn’t comfortable with that genre anymore that is where I started to flounder. I mean I am not out here to get rich from my writing. What do I want to write about, I blogged for 5 years before this blog, sadly those archives aren’t here and I don’t think I could find them even if I wanted too. Mostly the ramblings of a manic college student (not joking spent most of late teens and early 20’s manic). So none of us are missing anything.
Now what is coming to BadWolfBobbi, now that I am no longer a mommy blog. There might be parent post, like a back to school prep post or stuff like that but nothing super invasive about my boys lives. More post about me and my life; my struggle with my mental health, being awkward, geek, and all that jazz. More lifestyle post; more hacks that I have found to work for me, how I overcame the messy house past, and more mumbo jumbo. And most exciting for me is the on going series about TootToot and Siobhan, that is written by Micheal who plays Siobhan. I contribute but the overall idea and writing is his. We have played these characters for two years, they are best friends. The series starts after they split from their party to return somewhere to handle some business. More will be revealed.
A brief catch up with me; we purchased our first home in 2018 (exciting). I recently started therapy for the first time since leaving Colorado. Lost my mom in August of 2017. We lost FootFoot in May 2017. We went on our first vacation as a couple and family vacations. Celebrated our 12 wedding anniversary; 14 years together. Dude that is almost a quarter of my life, he is amazing to put up with me. We got a cat, his name is Bra’tac; he is our furry overlord. We hope we serve him well. Was hospitalized in April 2017, and the months after that until October 2017 were hell. Since October 2017 and a new medication cocktail; my mental health has been the best overall it has ever been in my life. Please don’t think it has been perfect there are still tough times, but they are shorter and farther apart. I quit Facebook (we already talked about that). With no plans to return, it has been over two weeks and it has been great. I got a new to me car that isn’t a late model and is going to last more then a year or two. With that came our first car payment in 4 years, ouch (haha). I have traveled a bit by myself, there is something about taking adventures if you can. I have began to accept myself a little more. I am a work in progress. I am excited to see what this new path for me on BadWolfBobbi holds, I hope you come along.
This spring holds a ton of changes for us, C is leaving the army and with comes its on set of challenges. While I am excited to be returning to TEXAS before my birthday!!!! While you can tell I am excited to be returning to Texas, I am stressed about upsetting the status quo that is my life. I am worried about back tracking and losing the progress I have made in my mental health. I am a totally different place. Does anyone else stress about having to find a new care team? I have been blessed to be lucky enough to find a care team that clicked from day one. Then there is changing Ian’s school during the school year. What can I do to help ease him through this big change? On top off all that we have to move, and with that it has it on set of challenges. Like finding a new place to move, and having to find our new home from 12 hours away. Then there is packing, which I am lucky enough to have help from a great friend. Let alone the actual move itself. Lets just hope I can come through all these Changes with my self intact.
My little world has been a bit chaotic the past few weeks. Ian went back to school and we had his IEP meeting. He will no longer be receiving speech services, this is a huge step from the non-verbal three year old that started this all. My Mama, is coming to visit for two weeks the beginning of September and I can’t wait. Then Chelsea comes for a few days. It will be fun and nice to see everyone.
How do you handle outside stressors on your mental health, there are things going on in my little world that I can’t control and can’t share on the blog. So I will be vague, sorry. How does one set boundaries that makes it where you are still helping those in need but making sure that your needs get met?
The Bleak Bitch, I have finally found a name for the nastiness that lives in my head. I hope one day to be free of this, Schizoaffective Disorder-Bipolar Type. When I feel up is it because I am happy or is it because it is lying to me. I am always in an internal war, does one know what it feels like to not be able to trust your mind. It is extremely hard when having a rough day and the boys are being boys. Yes I understand that mama’s can be down and out but I have to figure out if it’s them or me. And to be honest most days it is hard to sort it all out. Yes I am on meds and it helps but it isn’t the key. I want to not always be questioning the moment I am. I would like to have a brain going a million miles an hour. I want to know me, with out the lies. I have know idea who I am, I have been battling this since I was a teenager. Will I ever get to know me?
Any spelling or grammar errors please forgive, this was written after taking an ambien.