What Now?

I seem to always come back here when my brain is full. There is a lot going on in the world right now. It is a lot for my brain to process. I am already at like a 5 for anxiety most of the time and now it is hovering around an 8/9 most days. Last week the boys were home for spring break and that has been extended a week. We were just casual last week, no real routine. I already saw the breakdown of a week of no routine. So do I do what we do in the summer? We talked about what is going on, they understand as much as they can. On the other hand, the d&d games that take places in our home have been suspended until April. So there goes my interaction with people outside of my family. I am worried how my mental health will be in two-three weeks time during an already precocious time of the year for me. Things I am doing, since I only get a limited number of rescue anxiety meds : Daily Dance Parties, Blogging (I mean It’s here might as well use it), New Make Up Looks, and I ordered a bunch of crossword puzzles. I would love to say I would read, I have so many books on my kindle. I don’t think my attention span is there right now. I do have quite a few audible books though (I could try that). I also have my comics and graphic novels. I can’t take the boys to library to get more books because it is closed (and social distancing). I know I will rely heavily on my pocket friends and I am glad they are there. I have had to make myself relax my jaw a lot the past few days and now I am having to do the same with my neck and shoulders. What are your social distancing plans? Last night I said to C, “I feel like the world’s on fire”, his response “Not on fire but warm”.

I am selfish?

Is making myself a priority selfish. I struggle with this, I struggle with balancing caring for myself and caring for my family. I can’t imagine trying to work out of the home and balance it all. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed at where to begin that I don’t do anything at all. This happens way more then it should. I struggle with shutting down when I am overwhelmed. Do I retreat to protect myself from failure? I think I do, why am I so afraid of failing? Like I would rather not try then fail. I am afraid of failing my children, husband and family.

I struggle with keeping house, so much that it brings me to tears probably once a week. I want to keep a home like you expect from a stay at home mom. Instead, I am always drowning in laundry and needing to vacuum.

I am going to step away now before I start crying. Sorry about the abrupt ending.