ChhChanges

This spring holds a ton of changes for us, C is leaving the army and with comes its on set of challenges. While I am excited to be returning to TEXAS before my birthday!!!! While you can tell I am excited to be returning to Texas, I am stressed about upsetting the status quo that is my life. I am worried about back tracking and losing the progress I have made in my mental health. I am a totally different place. Does anyone else stress about having to find a new care team? I have been blessed to be lucky enough to find a care team that clicked from day one. Then there is changing Ian’s school during the school year. What can I do to help ease him through this big change? On top off all that we have to move, and with that it has it on set of challenges. Like finding a new place to move, and having to find our new home from 12 hours away. Then there is packing, which I am lucky enough to have help from a great friend. Let alone the actual move itself. Lets just hope I can come through all these Changes with my self intact.

A Dream Realized

When I was 18, I dreamed of the day that I could get my first tattoo. I wanted my family brand surrounded by the outline of the state of Texas. Well last week I made that dream come true, it wasn’t my first tattoo but it has been a dream for nearly ten years to have it.

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Will the artist and I before we started.

I don’t know why I have always put this off, maybe it is the placement. Maybe it is what my parents are going to say about me getting another tattoo. I don’t know what held me back for so long.

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The outline, last chance to turn back

As the wrr of the gun started I took one last deep breath and let all the anxiety I was having go. I relished the pain knowing that I was doing this for me and only me. It wasn’t to please anyone else it was something I wanted for most of my adult life.

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No turning back now

Tears welled in my eyes not from pain but from the realization I am the only one who can make my dreams come true. I am the master of how my story goes. I can only be afraid of what others think to a point, I can’t let that fear keep me from living.

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Just Finished.

I left feeling like I had just done something great for myself. Maybe it is because I have lost a bit of myself with becoming a mom and wife. That is no ones fault, if anyone can be blamed it is me. I need to remember that every once in a while the woman that is Bobbi needs some attention too.

The finished product.

I then went and took myself to the movies to see “It is a good day to Die Hard”, I am so thankful for Abby and Gabe watching the boys so I could have a little time for me.

Time Loop

I have retreated I have noticed lately. I have been hiding from life, not just social media but life in general. I don’t know if it is the change of seasons or the stress. I don’t want to wish away time but I would like for us to be together again as a family even if it is for a short period of time. I feel like I am in the episode of SG-1 where Jack and Teal’C are in the time loop. I need to remember that at first they were frustrated and they get down, they then figure out how to make it better.

I need to figure out how to make this loop I am living bearable. I miss little things; like seeing Casey, getting the occasional moment to myself, pedicures, having time to groom.

How do I make time for myself and recover from this case of the blues.

Summer of ’04

Only a few bars had played and I was already in a different place. I could hear the breaking of pool balls in my head quickly followed with laughter at how awful my break was. How is it that one song can take me back to the summer on 04 and being 19, with no real worries. At the time my heart and mind were recovering from what I now realize is heartbreak. I filled my days with work, friends, and lots of shenanigans. That was the summer I took my first drink, subsequently my first hangover. I remember thinking that at the beginning of summer how exciting it was that all of my girlfriends and I would be in the same town again. Only to realize we weren’t the same girls who left it the fall before. Getting the sighs and dirty looks for rolling in 15 mins late to Sunday school with wet hair, and then the comment of “Bobbi you live right next door, can we try to be on time next Sunday”.

I remember lusting after guy who worked at a local ranch. Finally connecting with him to realize, that I didn’t want to be that kind of girl. Being rescued from an awkward situation by the person who you least expect because it always seemed to happen that way.

Fall rolled around again; jobs changed, classes started, and losing touch with people. Funny to think that at that time what I wanted most wasn’t that far away. I had already met him at that point.

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This was much better when I was writing it in my head, in the car on the way to pick up Ollie’s smash cake.

Mud on the Tires.

White Flag

I am waving it, at life right now. We are at the point where we might have to choose between electricity and water. I am job hunting right beside C, but the problem is we are afraid jobs might overlap and we have no free babysitting. On top off all that C isn’t comfortable with me having a job and the mental state I am in right now. I was exited out of the therapy program. It was only a crisis program, the ironic thing is I was exited out when it looks like I need help the most. Yes, I am still taking meds but coming up with the $45 to pay for them in 2 weeks may be a concern.

All I ever wanted as a child was to be the Maker of the Rules, now all I want it the comfort of my childhood again. It wasn’t perfect but man it was a lot easier then this. Part of me wonders if Ian will remember all this, I pray not. I know Ollie won’t but man I hate this. The option of moving somewhere else we thought we had isn’t really there.

So we are scrambling to find ways to make all our bills every month. It looks like C will work 2 jobs until he leaves for Basic. People have mentioned watching other peoples kids in the afternoon, well I don’t mine occasionally watching other kids an everyday thing isn’t for me. I am at a loss.

What I really need is to get back into therapy and truck load of money (hell I would take a job for my husband).

So if I am scarce in the next few weeks it is I don’t want to be the same dang song on repeat.

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I am emotionally depleted.

Casey, the boys, and I have basically spent the past month together 24/7. Which really isn’t that different from when he is working, one would think. Well it is, I love them all but I am losing my mind. I know that I am not handling it in the best manner. I mostly want to hide in my bedroom and sleep. I haven’t worked on my bedroom project in like 6 weeks.

I feed them, change diapers, and make sure they have clean clothes. That is all I can manage some if not most days. The day I go to therapy is my favorite day of the week, it is made sure that I have time to look like a girl. Not just a mom in a tshirt and sweats.

I know we are it a time of stress, it will get easier. I need to buck up. Sorry for whining. I will resume trying to sleep now.

Thinking back.

After Reading Household Six Diva about her move and things that make her feel like home. She mentioned her wedding topper and it got me thinking. What is the story behind
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It made me think of mine and the story behind it. Ours was a replacement after my original idea was back ordered. It was purchased 24 hours before our wedding. In the end though I love it, even if I have given it away.

What made you choose what you had or didn’t have and why?

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