I did it!

I managed to import my old two blogs here, all by myself. That isn’t all that has been going on. We have had playdates, with friends, preparing for basketball season (Ian’s first season), preparing for Christmas, and spending time with C before he leaves for basic.

Things have feel like they are improving for me, I think my med cocktail seems to be just right. Lets hope that it stays that way. I am terrified of the changes, my biggest fear is going manic while C is gone. I can notice the depression symptoms as they come on but I have trouble noticing when I am in a manic period. I am lucky that I have a great doctor that knows what is going on.

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So overall things are finally looking up. I know that we still have some tough times but we will overcome them as a family.

Time Loop

I have retreated I have noticed lately. I have been hiding from life, not just social media but life in general. I don’t know if it is the change of seasons or the stress. I don’t want to wish away time but I would like for us to be together again as a family even if it is for a short period of time. I feel like I am in the episode of SG-1 where Jack and Teal’C are in the time loop. I need to remember that at first they were frustrated and they get down, they then figure out how to make it better.

I need to figure out how to make this loop I am living bearable. I miss little things; like seeing Casey, getting the occasional moment to myself, pedicures, having time to groom.

How do I make time for myself and recover from this case of the blues.

White Flag

I am waving it, at life right now. We are at the point where we might have to choose between electricity and water. I am job hunting right beside C, but the problem is we are afraid jobs might overlap and we have no free babysitting. On top off all that C isn’t comfortable with me having a job and the mental state I am in right now. I was exited out of the therapy program. It was only a crisis program, the ironic thing is I was exited out when it looks like I need help the most. Yes, I am still taking meds but coming up with the $45 to pay for them in 2 weeks may be a concern.

All I ever wanted as a child was to be the Maker of the Rules, now all I want it the comfort of my childhood again. It wasn’t perfect but man it was a lot easier then this. Part of me wonders if Ian will remember all this, I pray not. I know Ollie won’t but man I hate this. The option of moving somewhere else we thought we had isn’t really there.

So we are scrambling to find ways to make all our bills every month. It looks like C will work 2 jobs until he leaves for Basic. People have mentioned watching other peoples kids in the afternoon, well I don’t mine occasionally watching other kids an everyday thing isn’t for me. I am at a loss.

What I really need is to get back into therapy and truck load of money (hell I would take a job for my husband).

So if I am scarce in the next few weeks it is I don’t want to be the same dang song on repeat.

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I am emotionally depleted.

Casey, the boys, and I have basically spent the past month together 24/7. Which really isn’t that different from when he is working, one would think. Well it is, I love them all but I am losing my mind. I know that I am not handling it in the best manner. I mostly want to hide in my bedroom and sleep. I haven’t worked on my bedroom project in like 6 weeks.

I feed them, change diapers, and make sure they have clean clothes. That is all I can manage some if not most days. The day I go to therapy is my favorite day of the week, it is made sure that I have time to look like a girl. Not just a mom in a tshirt and sweats.

I know we are it a time of stress, it will get easier. I need to buck up. Sorry for whining. I will resume trying to sleep now.

Free Write

I feel like I have take about 5 steps back in my getting on the right track this week. We are all recovering from a cold just strong enough to bring us down. So I know that I slept too much over the weekend and it has thrown be all over the place emotions wise. I know havig to deal with my mother in a pretty stressful siuation on Monday and Tuesday didn’t help at all. I don’t remember her once saying thank you after me driving to Ft. Worth for twice in two days. One of those days getting myself and my boys up before 6 am. Making me put my boys in the car for long amounts of time. Poor Ollie yesterday was a train wreck, he wanted to be held tight all day after spending too much time in the car. I don’t what has come over Ian today, we weren’t up 5 minutes and he was in time out for trying to hit me. The day has could be described as actions that lead to time out and time out. Poor kid, I know he is craving affection which I am trying to give but pulling my hair while hugging me or running up and hitting the dog for no reason are not allowed. Lastly oh the house, it was so easy to keep clean then I got sick first and lets just say trying to pick up isn’t as easy right now. Can someone also explain to my husband that the shoe basket isn’t or dirty socks!

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Asking for Help was the Hardest

I thinking I am going to break up asking for help, the diagnosis and the stay into their own posts. The timeline might jump but I think it is what will flow most naturally for me.

Getting Help:

As a lot of you know I recently got help for what I now know is bi-polar disorder along with some postpartum psychological issues. The hardest part was making that first call; if it wasn’t for the lovely ladies of twitter and my husband I would still be in a very bad spot. I made the call and they chose to send an team out to talk to me right then at 11pm, I guess I must have sounded really bad. I didn’t know this until asking for help, if a team is coming out to asses you they send the police to make sure you are not a danger. So around 11:30 to police cruisers quietly pulled into my neighborhood, and knocked on my door. Which I rushed to hoping they wouldn’t wake up my sleeping children, I think in hindsight I am glad they slept through it all. I think it would have been much harder on all of us if they would have woken up.

This was all going on in the middle of the night. After I got to the hospital and through all the protocols it was 5 am, I had yet to sleep. I got into my room and slept through breakfast.

I will mention again asking for help is hard. If you feel as if you need it don’t be afraid to ask it is there. I will write more when I can. On an sort of disjointed note, I have already had to change meds once. The first meds were $$$, now I feel as if these second meds aren’t as effective. I know that the meds are not a fix all. I just am feeling very uneven again, to a point not to the extreme that I was. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow.

Help is available

If you follow me on twitter you know that I recently sought help for some mental health issues. The help ended with a stay in the mental health hospital, I am not going to lie it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows. It was help I needed and help I am glad that I got. There is help out there, I am writing this post to help share some of the resources out there.

I wouldn’t have even known where to start with out the amazing ladies of #PPDCHAT hashtag on twitter, ran/founded by the amazing Lauren she also owns My Postpartum Voice. Thanks to her and the other ladies, I was led to the other resources that helped me.

Resource #1
I don’t know about other states but in the state of Texas, each county has a MHMR. I am pretty sure this is the statewide 24 hour crisis number they ask your location when you call.
1-800-762-0157

Resource#2
The National Suicide Hotline this number is also 24hours a day.
1-800-273-TALK

There are many more resources that I don’t know of and don’t list here. If you know of more and would like to add them to the comments please feel free. I am lucky that these resources were there for me and I want to share so that I can help at least one person.