What could have been

This is probably gonna be long and ramble. But I mean who reads this anymore? Me I do, I just went through my archives to read about my Ryan Jane. After a twitter friend recently suffered a loss, it made me realize that I am far removed from the angry manic person who took a trip to utah with out even discussing with her husband in the months that followed. Wow it is amazing what a couple years of therapy and proper medication has done for me. Now in know way am I forgetting about my loss or the kindness showed to me in the days following it. So thank you again. It is amazing after reading those posts that I am still here, I was so angry and raw. I miss what could have been but am so Thankful for Oliver.

Losing Control

It all started about six weeks ago, with a constant desire to eat and as of last week morphed into an ugly ass beast. I had a non-existent fuse and the idea of getting out bed in the morning was along the lines of torture to me. I thought long and hard about what could be causing these feelings, I knew the answer but didn’t want to face it most people won’t understand it. Heck I didn’t even realize what was going on until the day my period started and I had the mother off all panic attacks. I felt like I was going to die. My period happen to start on the same day as my loss two years ago and it was eerily close to the same time also.

I wish that I could not be effected by the events of two years ago, but I am. They still haunt me. Yes, I am thankful for Ollie but unless you have had a loss you won’t get. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. I realized over the weekend if I didn’t start to do something, I was going to lose my mind.

So on Monday morning, I got up decided that I wasn’t going to take a nap (something I had been doing to avoid thinking). I was going to step out of the kitchen and stop drinking coke like it was water. I am now constantly carrying around the big mugs they give you in the hospital. I have woken up each morning this week and got up with a smile, even if I had to fake it.

I will come out of this stronger, I will come out of this happier, and I will not let depression win.

 
bobbibabblessiggy

Truth

For three weeks I have been telling those that ask I am healing and starting to feel human again, well all lies. I don’t feel any better the struggle to get out of bed every morning, even though I wake up to one happy healthy baby boy who I love with all my heart. I wonder if it would all be easier if I didn’t wake up in the morning, yet I know that isn’t the answer. I would miss all of Ian’s smiles and hugs. Part of me hates my husband right now, he seems to have forgotten I was every pregnant. To him it was all like a dream and now that Ryan is gone means nothing to him. Most days I want to runaway, and dream of never coming back. Yes I would miss my family, but sometimes the idea of starting over seems so nice. I know that this my seem all over dramatic to some, since I was only 13 weeks pregnant with Ryan. It isn’t it is how I feel I am so drowning in the darkness, I always thought that my family would understand that it isn’t something you get over, in a week. Already I am getting questioned about when we will try again, I don’t know it this is meant to make me feel better but it doesn’t, it only hurts more. Stop asking at the moment I don’t know if, I ever want to go through pregnancy again. Please don’t tell me that is just a feeling it will pass, I don’t know if it will. I wish my husband was open to the call of adoption, I would love to adopt. I wouldn’t want Ian to be an only child(I don’t have anything against it, I am an only child and I loved my childhood). I also need to get back on my walk with God, I am so lost right now. I know that part of it is I am married to a man who grew up in a christian home and is saved but no doubts his beliefs. We have had many a fight about this, so much so that I can’t talk about anymore with out crying. I need God and a church home to make me feel whole, I want Ian to grow up with the same love and faith I had. I guess I have aired enough of our dirty laundry for one night.

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Name Game

I was given some advice from a childhood friend’s mama about healing from my our lost. She said that naming the baby and keeping something to remember are things she wishes she would have done. At first when facebook chatting with this friend I was a bit scared of the idea, but with time I realized her words were true. So then much thought went into what name would we give our angel.

While were thinking of a name, I went on a hunt for something to remember. First stop Etsy, I knew I would find what I was looking for(not that I knew what that was). After hours and hours of searching and being overwhelmed with the options. I finally choose two necklaces, I couldn’t decide between the two(Casey said get both one was more fancy then the other). So I think I have rambled on enough, I would add a sono picture but I accidentally left the only one I had where we say the heartbeat at the dr’s office. So instead I will, show necklaces with the name.

Remeber

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The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?

window
Since Saturday the skies have been dark and grey, what the hell mother nature? Aren’t you putting me through enough right now, I need sunshine to heal. I am proud of myself, I went to a large consignment sale in the area on Sunday full of pregnant women of all stages and did not have a melt down. I did have a few thoughts of jealousy, but did not cry. I was given some advice by a childhood friends mom who went through the same, she said I should name the baby. I am unsure of this, I was only 12 weeks. What would you do?
Otherwise last weekend was uneventful I spent the weekend with my boys. I am so grateful that I have a loving husband and son. Today Ian came up and gave me hug while saying I love you just when I was feeling my lowest. He is like a little ray of sunshine. Casey has also been a great support, I am so lucky that he has been here to pick up the little pieces. I know that there is more to life then the overwhelming feeling of grief and with every passing day it becomes a little more manageable, one day in the hopefully near future I will wake up and not want to cry (maybe even I will post something that isn’t be being sad).

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Thankful Through The Darkness

This morning I woke up to grey skies and an even darker mood. I am lucky to have a husband who is willing to get up with Ian in the morning. I laid in bed this morning till I made myself get out of bed. I know that there will be days like today where I want to do no more then lay in bed all day cry and sleep. Instead I got up showered and lived life, I laughed at my sons antics, got annoyed with my husband, and then was easily swayed for a hug in trade for a Sonic drink. I can’t let the darkness suck me in as much as some moments I would like too. I can not let my email sit there unanswered anymore, the laundry sit in piles untouched, let the phone go to voicemail those are life moments that are passing me by; while I am swimming in grief life keeps going so I must dive in. Readers I ask for your thoughts and prayers still, I need them for the strength to face today, when I can’t even think about tomorrow.

While I have everyone’s attention I would like to those who have donated, prayed, brought us meals, ans so on. None of that has gone unnoticed, I might not at the time said how grateful I am for all that you were doing but I was and still am. I m going to try and email, write and give hugs of thanks to all of you; but I am only human so if I miss you it wasn’t on purpose.

Flowers
Flowers sent by The Bradford’s, they brightened my day.

Fruit Flowers
Edible Arrangement from a Loving Group of Friends

Cookie
Cookie’s from Casey’s office (hint if ever sent one let them set out all night they taste better stale).

I also want to thank all ladies for the the advice, support and reminding me I am not alone. I hope someday that I can repay you all for what you have given me. I forgot to mention that my Daddy even noticed and said something about how lucky I am to have met some many amazingly awesome people through blogging, twitter, etc. So again Thank You.

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The Colors fade

I am the type of girl who heals when life, begins to return to normally. Today let the healing begin, Casey returned to work. Ian and I were left alone for the first time in almost a week. I thought it would be tough to be left alone, it was the opposite it was in a moment today when playing that I realized that returning to normal was what I need. I got so many calls yesterday and today asking me to go and do with friends and family. I told them all that I needed to stay home with Ian today, he needed it as much as I did. I swear when he woke up this morning, he breathed a sigh of relief to see we were alone. We had breakfast played and napped just like any other day. Who knows what tomorrow will hold for us, for me but one day at a time is the motto.
My Dad is coming to go to lunch with Ian and I tomorrow that isn’t normal, in the 3 years we have lived in this area I can count on one hand the number of times he has been out here(that is okay with me my home is never up to his standards). I am glad he is coming to visit Ian loves his Pop and doesn’t see him enough(I love my Daddy and don’t get to see him enough). So as time marches on and the pain lessens (the memories fade from bright red that it is today to a more manageable shade of grey.)

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Anger and lots of it

To my family and those easily offend I curse a lot in this post. It is full of raw emotions. So Aunt Doll I love you but stop reading if you don’t want to see my pain.

This past 5 days has kicked my ass in a way it hasn’t been kicked since the end of 2002 . I seriously haven’t felt so much anger in so long, all I want to is scream FUCK at the top of my lungs. After everything that went down Friday, I also learned that we lost the baby a month ago (WHAT THE FUCK BODY!). I shouldn’t even start on my FUCKING HORRID er experience(DO NOT GO TO BAYLOR DOWNTOWN’S ER). After waiting in the waiting room for almost 3 hours I was ushered into a room, had an exam blood drawn and then sent to another DAMN waiting room. Where I waited for an hour for a sonogram, where I met the worlds rudest and most inept tech. he made me insert my own trans-vaginal wand(twice he said i did it wrong the first time). He was rough and short with me, when he called a Dr. in to confirm what he saw the dumbass Dr. came in and bluntly with no care or sympathy I am here to confirm he saw no heartbeat (did he sick the class on bedside manner in med school, dumbass. I feel like Red Foreman writing a blog post. After they tell me my baby is dead, they then send me back to a waiting room(I was alone during all of this they wouldn’t let Casey in the sonogram room with me, Fucking Dumbasses). I tell him the news and then find out they want me to sit there another 2-3 hrs to talk to a hospital OB, that is going to do nothing but tell me to follow up with my DR. on Monday. I said Fuck no and left AMA(Against Medical Advice). I couldn’t sit in a waiting room for another fucking large chunk of time, I wanted to go home and wake up Ian and love on him. Luckily he was with Aunt Abby and Sarah who love him dearly. We left came home I woke up my teenager in a toddler body and loved on him like I hadn’t done before.
Saturday was it’s own nightmare, I had to tell family and friends what was going on. With each new person told, I had to relive the night before in all of its fucking glory. I had to tell them we didn’t really know anything and wouldn’t until I got to see a doctor. Sunday I took some time for myself went with a friend got a pedicure and a drink (I needed it at that point). I went to bed that night thinking and praying the doctor would help me get this nightmare over.
Boy was I WRONG, Monday was its own brand of Hell and Cluster Fuck all mixed into one. Between the damn Birth Center taking its own fucking sweet time get back with the Dr.’s office I would even be seen till Tuesday. Multiply times I had told both the DR.’s office and BC that I already have depression and anxiety issues to please not draw this out (I swear sawing that made them fucking drag their feet even more). When I finally got in yesterday, after waiting over an hour in the waiting room full of pregnant women (what idiot nurse does that when you look at my chart you can see what I am going through and all the read flags of anxiety and depression issues). After making an Ass of myself they put me in a room to wait(thank goodness), finally I got see a doctor she talked with me and told me she would rather wait it out. That is when I put my foot down and said that wasn’t an option unless they want me to end up at the funny farm. She then said we will make it happen, after so awesome planning on her part, she got it scheduled for today at 11 at her office.
This morning I woke up and was grateful that part of this nightmare would end today. We went in and I was scared and worried but ready to have it over. We were in the office for a little over 2 hours when it was all said and done.
Now for the healing to begin, I want to cry, scream, break things, and hug Ian all the time. I will be okay with time I won’t ever forget, but I will heal. I want to thank you my readers, twitter followers and family for support. I will need it for awhile longer and I am grateful to know you will be there.
I also want to thank those who donated to help us with the medical costs. I am to ask those that donated, what they would like me to do with the what will me left over?
Thank you all again for the love and support.

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Things I never wanted to admit

I never wanted to say that I lost a baby, but that dread came true on Friday in one of the worst experiences of my life. If that wasn’t enough of a strain on us emotionally and physically the drain it is taking on our already strained budget is causing Casey to freak out. I mean he not only has to deal with a wife who is breaking in to a million jagged pieces. Then I had to admit to him that there are moments when I look at Ian that I have overwhelming sorrow. There are so many reasons, mourning the loss of him becoming a big brother, the question of how did he get here but not this baby and many other little things. I am so lost at what to to do to make these feelings change, to help my husband cope with his loss. He tells me he is more worried about me and how I am coping. I don’t want to tell him that the coping isn’t here yet, all there is pain and anger. I want to yell and scream curse words at the top of my head and break stuff, and when I don’t like that I don’t feel anything at all. Tomorrow will be the toughest day so far we will find out how this will all proceed, I am terrified that they will say that my body failed. So during this time of need I ask that you please keep my family in your thoughts during the next few weeks, and if you could please help us with the cost of a D&C which I will most likely have to go through. The cost is overwhelming and while we have insurance we do not have the money to cover our portion of it which is still a considerable amount of money. I hate asking for money but in times of need one should reach out and hope that others will reach back. If you can donate anything my family would appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.
Please take a minute to donate:


Thank you!

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I woke up today praying it had all been a dream, I knew with my heart it wasn’t. We lost the baby. What is so ironic about all this is I have been wanting weather that let me go outside and enjoy myself. Well that is what I got today but I wasn’t in a mood to enjoy it. I got up though put on my big girl panties and went outside. I was going to enjoy this gift while it last.
Last night was one of the worse nights of my life, not only did I get bad news but because of Baylor’s unusually policy’s I found out alone. I dealt with so much last night from bad news, to an unprofessional tech. (I won’t go into the details here do to spam possibilities, if you want to know feel free to email me). I left the hospital more thankful then I have ever been how easy everything went getting Ian here healthy.
The worst is yet to come, all we were told last night is that we would find out more on Monday with an OB. Since my cervix was not open and the bleeding has lessened today. I will be told what is going to happen, I am unsure of what is to come. All I ask is for your thoughts and prayers, we will need them not just today but for the coming weeks. Please don’t forget about us as tomorrow dawns, I have never been so thankful for the friendships I have forged through blogging and twitter. Thank you all, my family is greatful for all of you.

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