What could have been

This is probably gonna be long and ramble. But I mean who reads this anymore? Me I do, I just went through my archives to read about my Ryan Jane. After a twitter friend recently suffered a loss, it made me realize that I am far removed from the angry manic person who took a trip to utah with out even discussing with her husband in the months that followed. Wow it is amazing what a couple years of therapy and proper medication has done for me. Now in know way am I forgetting about my loss or the kindness showed to me in the days following it. So thank you again. It is amazing after reading those posts that I am still here, I was so angry and raw. I miss what could have been but am so Thankful for Oliver.

Losing Control

It all started about six weeks ago, with a constant desire to eat and as of last week morphed into an ugly ass beast. I had a non-existent fuse and the idea of getting out bed in the morning was along the lines of torture to me. I thought long and hard about what could be causing these feelings, I knew the answer but didn’t want to face it most people won’t understand it. Heck I didn’t even realize what was going on until the day my period started and I had the mother off all panic attacks. I felt like I was going to die. My period happen to start on the same day as my loss two years ago and it was eerily close to the same time also.

I wish that I could not be effected by the events of two years ago, but I am. They still haunt me. Yes, I am thankful for Ollie but unless you have had a loss you won’t get. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. I realized over the weekend if I didn’t start to do something, I was going to lose my mind.

So on Monday morning, I got up decided that I wasn’t going to take a nap (something I had been doing to avoid thinking). I was going to step out of the kitchen and stop drinking coke like it was water. I am now constantly carrying around the big mugs they give you in the hospital. I have woken up each morning this week and got up with a smile, even if I had to fake it.

I will come out of this stronger, I will come out of this happier, and I will not let depression win.



For three weeks I have been telling those that ask I am healing and starting to feel human again, well all lies. I don’t feel any better the struggle to get out of bed every morning, even though I wake up to one happy healthy baby boy who I love with all my heart. I wonder if it would all be easier if I didn’t wake up in the morning, yet I know that isn’t the answer. I would miss all of Ian’s smiles and hugs. Part of me hates my husband right now, he seems to have forgotten I was every pregnant. To him it was all like a dream and now that Ryan is gone means nothing to him. Most days I want to runaway, and dream of never coming back. Yes I would miss my family, but sometimes the idea of starting over seems so nice. I know that this my seem all over dramatic to some, since I was only 13 weeks pregnant with Ryan. It isn’t it is how I feel I am so drowning in the darkness, I always thought that my family would understand that it isn’t something you get over, in a week. Already I am getting questioned about when we will try again, I don’t know it this is meant to make me feel better but it doesn’t, it only hurts more. Stop asking at the moment I don’t know if, I ever want to go through pregnancy again. Please don’t tell me that is just a feeling it will pass, I don’t know if it will. I wish my husband was open to the call of adoption, I would love to adopt. I wouldn’t want Ian to be an only child(I don’t have anything against it, I am an only child and I loved my childhood). I also need to get back on my walk with God, I am so lost right now. I know that part of it is I am married to a man who grew up in a christian home and is saved but no doubts his beliefs. We have had many a fight about this, so much so that I can’t talk about anymore with out crying. I need God and a church home to make me feel whole, I want Ian to grow up with the same love and faith I had. I guess I have aired enough of our dirty laundry for one night.

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Name Game

I was given some advice from a childhood friend’s mama about healing from my our lost. She said that naming the baby and keeping something to remember are things she wishes she would have done. At first when facebook chatting with this friend I was a bit scared of the idea, but with time I realized her words were true. So then much thought went into what name would we give our angel.

While were thinking of a name, I went on a hunt for something to remember. First stop Etsy, I knew I would find what I was looking for(not that I knew what that was). After hours and hours of searching and being overwhelmed with the options. I finally choose two necklaces, I couldn’t decide between the two(Casey said get both one was more fancy then the other). So I think I have rambled on enough, I would add a sono picture but I accidentally left the only one I had where we say the heartbeat at the dr’s office. So instead I will, show necklaces with the name.


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The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?

Since Saturday the skies have been dark and grey, what the hell mother nature? Aren’t you putting me through enough right now, I need sunshine to heal. I am proud of myself, I went to a large consignment sale in the area on Sunday full of pregnant women of all stages and did not have a melt down. I did have a few thoughts of jealousy, but did not cry. I was given some advice by a childhood friends mom who went through the same, she said I should name the baby. I am unsure of this, I was only 12 weeks. What would you do?
Otherwise last weekend was uneventful I spent the weekend with my boys. I am so grateful that I have a loving husband and son. Today Ian came up and gave me hug while saying I love you just when I was feeling my lowest. He is like a little ray of sunshine. Casey has also been a great support, I am so lucky that he has been here to pick up the little pieces. I know that there is more to life then the overwhelming feeling of grief and with every passing day it becomes a little more manageable, one day in the hopefully near future I will wake up and not want to cry (maybe even I will post something that isn’t be being sad).

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Thankful Through The Darkness

This morning I woke up to grey skies and an even darker mood. I am lucky to have a husband who is willing to get up with Ian in the morning. I laid in bed this morning till I made myself get out of bed. I know that there will be days like today where I want to do no more then lay in bed all day cry and sleep. Instead I got up showered and lived life, I laughed at my sons antics, got annoyed with my husband, and then was easily swayed for a hug in trade for a Sonic drink. I can’t let the darkness suck me in as much as some moments I would like too. I can not let my email sit there unanswered anymore, the laundry sit in piles untouched, let the phone go to voicemail those are life moments that are passing me by; while I am swimming in grief life keeps going so I must dive in. Readers I ask for your thoughts and prayers still, I need them for the strength to face today, when I can’t even think about tomorrow.

While I have everyone’s attention I would like to those who have donated, prayed, brought us meals, ans so on. None of that has gone unnoticed, I might not at the time said how grateful I am for all that you were doing but I was and still am. I m going to try and email, write and give hugs of thanks to all of you; but I am only human so if I miss you it wasn’t on purpose.

Flowers sent by The Bradford’s, they brightened my day.

Fruit Flowers
Edible Arrangement from a Loving Group of Friends

Cookie’s from Casey’s office (hint if ever sent one let them set out all night they taste better stale).

I also want to thank all ladies for the the advice, support and reminding me I am not alone. I hope someday that I can repay you all for what you have given me. I forgot to mention that my Daddy even noticed and said something about how lucky I am to have met some many amazingly awesome people through blogging, twitter, etc. So again Thank You.

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The Colors fade

I am the type of girl who heals when life, begins to return to normally. Today let the healing begin, Casey returned to work. Ian and I were left alone for the first time in almost a week. I thought it would be tough to be left alone, it was the opposite it was in a moment today when playing that I realized that returning to normal was what I need. I got so many calls yesterday and today asking me to go and do with friends and family. I told them all that I needed to stay home with Ian today, he needed it as much as I did. I swear when he woke up this morning, he breathed a sigh of relief to see we were alone. We had breakfast played and napped just like any other day. Who knows what tomorrow will hold for us, for me but one day at a time is the motto.
My Dad is coming to go to lunch with Ian and I tomorrow that isn’t normal, in the 3 years we have lived in this area I can count on one hand the number of times he has been out here(that is okay with me my home is never up to his standards). I am glad he is coming to visit Ian loves his Pop and doesn’t see him enough(I love my Daddy and don’t get to see him enough). So as time marches on and the pain lessens (the memories fade from bright red that it is today to a more manageable shade of grey.)

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