Danger, Gregory Family, Danger

With this pregnancy, I have no choice but to wean off of my anti-crazy pills. It will be a two week process to get off them. That isn’t the worse part, the worse part is that I am on paxil. My reading from the internet says that the withdrawal symptoms will be horrific. I don’t doubt this, as of this summer my doctor tried to wean my off while my husband was laid off. Not hers or my brightest idea, it failed miserably. The symptoms got so bad that my husband said get back on your meds or get out. I have no choice this time the health of my unborn baby is at risk. That being said I am scared, I can guarantee that I will have some interesting post, tweets, and such during this process. If you have an advice, tips, or tricks for the next few months please tell me.

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They are Called TURN SIGNALS.

Those things controlled by the little stick on the left side of your steering wheel.

Now here is the tough part, USE THEM. Especially when driving in heavy traffic. In reality you should use them all the time.

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To the Hostess at Chili’s

Dear Hostess;
As someone who has done you job in the past, I know it can be stressful at times. This Sunday evening was not one of those nights. I was appalled by you lack of common sense when doing your job tonight. We arrived during a slow time and were promptly seated. That was about the only time you did anything right. After being seated we waited over five minutes to be greeted by our server because you didn’t tell him he had a table. I understand that you try to keep your seating rotation fair but our server’s section had numerous other tables open. Though you had to sit the family with two preschool aged children directly beside us. Who then proceeded to scream and distracted our well behaved toddler from eating in essence ruining our meal because we had to stop eating ourselves to constantly keep Ian from behaving rudely in public. Unlike some parents we don’t condone our child acting like an animal in public. It is common sense and decency in an empty restaurant to not sit children by children. Maybe if you would pull yourself away from flirting with the Bartender to do your job, you might have noticed this. I don’t think Chili’s is paying you to work on your love life. So maybe if you take a bit more care in doing your job and a little less time flirting, you might notice these things. To anyone that wonders this was the Chili’s on Knox Ave. in Dallas, Tx.

What if it isn’t enough

If you follow me on twitter, in the past month are so you might have notice my annoyed tweets about my husband. I don’t know if these are growing pains, the fact that we have spent almost all our time together the last 3 months, or maybe we are reaching the end( I hope and pray it isn’t that). I know that the circumstances over the past bit have not been easy for us, it seems right as we are getting to a place were everything is working and we are communicating well. We get slapped in the face, I selfishly want to wish this on others sometimes. We have only been married 3 years and have been through so much (for a non-military marriage). Three Layoffs, me have to stop going to classes because of said layoffs, each stretch of un-employment get longer, a child, a miscarriage, going down to one car (this may not seem like a big deal to some, but being we live in Dallas, and the Public Transportation here blows it is a big deal), having to ask for help from our parents more then any grown married couple should. These are just the ones that came to mind at the moment, I know that there is more. We don’t communicate well at all, we have different love languages, we have different fight styles, different views on faith and different views on how a home should be kept. I know with out any one having to tell me my fight (argument) style is not fair and is truly very ugly, there is no excuse for this. I didn’t have great example of how to communicate effectively with your spouse, I knew at a very young age that my parents didn’t need to be together. They fought unfair they struck out at each other when the other was the weakest. I am very sad to say that I have been and still do sometimes fight like this. I am trying to change but sometimes I am successful, but at times when I am overly stressed and upset I fall back on old habits. Which cause him to shut down and ignore the words, gestures. In the past week, I feel like all the words I am saying are falling on deaf ears after a very ugly fight we had this past Sunday. Things were said that can never be taken back, I am the guilty party. When I ask him what to do to fix it, he says he is through arguing. I wish it was that easy, I know that every couple fights, nothing can be perfect all the time it isn’t human nature. I just want to argue less, I think we both have so much hope in the new job he is due to start on the 19th. What if when he goes back to work and the stress of the past few months begins to fade, that things don’t truly get easier? I know before anyone can say it, don’t make any life altering choices right now are during the next few months.

I know that, life isn’t supposed to be easy and the same can be applied to marriage. So please before you start talking about, counselling and all the good it brings. We plan on it when our insurance takes effect but it isn’t something we can afford at the moment. Also my biggest fear is that after a year we will get another pink slip, and I don’t know if he will be able to get another job. This past layoff we learned all the jobs he has had is hurting him, even with every old supervisor singing his praises and saying it isn’t his fault. The company he is going to work for still had doubts hence the reason it took so long for them to make an offer. I know that I could get a job but, with after paying for daycare and such my take home would be less then $100 a week. In my mind that isn’t worth giving my time to some company if I am not bringing enough home to make it worth it. Also as a former Daycare employee, no matter how nice it seems they are not what they seem. So as selfish as it may seem to my husband, my family and others; I can’t let Ian be in childcare full time. I would be okay, with maybe one day a week for social interaction but in reality I know that it is selfish of me to want to stay home. I know that my choice in the end can be hurting my family, but as a child of a mom that stayed home until I started school and I don’t know all the details but I am somewhat sure his mom stayed home too. It is hard to know when he want talk about growing up much, which is fucking infuriating, I want to ask his sister sometimes but some of the questions I have are not always as respectful. He keeps asking me what am I going to do once Ian goes to school, well first I would like to finish school. So that I can have a job that pays better then the retail field, I am so over the service industry with it’s crazy schedules, low pay, and so many more things. How can I make all this work, I feel like we built our foundation on sand and it is slipping away.
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I did not go back through and do a finally edit, so please keep all grammar, spelling and other complainants to you self. I need to get this out there, it is part of the reason I have been having trouble with my words as of recently. It is hard to write about what is going on in yor life when you are trying to avoid the biggest thing.

Bad JuJu Go Away

I attended my first Tweet up last night in Flower Mound, which I was crazy enough to drive to from Midtown Dallas to Flower Mound during rush hour. It was worth it, I enjoyed myself so much. It was so nice and relaxing, for a few hours I was able to forgot all the drama that fills our lives. Then I come home to a husband who is in a panic about his job situation.
I understand times are tough for us, but I am tired of dwelling on it and living a constant state of fear. My home has been taken over by so much bad JuJu that it is uncomfortable for me to be here. Yet I have no where to go, and I don’t want to leave. I want the bad JuJu too, but when you aren’t the one creating the bad JuJu how do you get it to not affect you?

I want this Casey back, I am tired of the cranky, moody, women(it seems like), that has over taken him. Before you say that he is stressed as the provider for our home and he feels like he is failing at that role right now. Even though all that is going on what can I do to improve the JuJu in our home? This post went on a tangent I will blog about the Tweet up later.
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Gnat in my eye

Piling up
After the first week of Casey being home jobless, and one huge meltdown later. We implemented a chore chart(for us the grown ups). I had enough of him not caring about the way our home looked, and I could not get it up to par alone. He agreed and for the first couple of weeks everything was going great. He was working with me to purge and get our home to a respectable amount of clean, I don’t need it to be perfect it but I hate the way we still treat our home like we are college kids. Then in the past week he seems to be slipping backwards. I guess I should tell you who has what duties.
Living Room
Pay Bills
Taking trash to Dumpster

He has less since he will go back to work at some point. I just want him to realize I need help. Well in the past couple of days our home seemed to be over taken by gnats. He kept asking me where they were coming from, well I was in the kitchen this evening filling foots water bowl and realized that there was an icky old milk sippy cup sitting in the sink he hadn’t been washing. When I moved it gnats attacked me, I about blew my lid. Instead I just finished watering foot, filled the sink with hot water and started washing the cups he hadn’t been washing. When I was finished. I just walked back into the living and instead avoided the argument that would have happened on calling him out on it. Which may seem childish to some of you, and I know it is but it irked me to no end. His biggest point when making the list together when I took laundry was that I had to wash and put it away in a timely manner(that is my biggest weakness putting it away). Well when he offered to take the kitchen if I took the bathrooms, I was ecstatic I hate doing dishes. Well I need to figure out how to calmly approach him that Ian’s cups are part of the dishes and leaving them sitting in the sink is not completely doing the dishes. Any ideas? On the other hand this chore chart has made doing the laundry more bearable some how.
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Enough Already

This post has been on my mind and in my heart for a long time. I know that once this post is over I might lose some twitter followers, blog readers, and maybe even some internet friends.
On twitter and some boards that I frequent, the scare tactics they use for people not doing something the way they wish is horrible. Just because someone isn’t doing something the way you want doesn’t give you the right to bully or try fear mongering them in to doing the way you want. Maybe that way isn’t best for them, or maybe they just don’t want to do it that way. Also I am tired of women attacking other women for doing things different, we as women we should build each other not tear each other down.

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What Should I Do?

The past few days, I feel like a demon has came over my toddler. The demon of teething, we have been lucky before this never having really dealt with any changes in routine or attitude. Ian has had only 2 bottom teeth since he was about 8 months old, then this week hos attitude went from mellow and laid back to high maintenance. It took us a couple of days to figure out what was going on. Then I thought I should look in his mouth and man no wonder he is miserable he is getting every bottom at one. I think it is something like 10 teeth waiting to break through pretty much all at once. Any advice, I am going to be honest we have never really had to deal with true teething before. I am losing my mind his routine has gone to crap, his attitude is like a pmsing teenage girl. Help me before I lose my mind.
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Rambles with a Rant Mixed in

so I am feeling, better from the sickness when I remember to to take my medicine like I am supposed too. We are finally getting a little routine down, with Casey being here. I am glad he gets to spend this time with Ian and see how he is through out the day, just so he has an idea of what i go through. Even though I am happy with everything is, part of me can’t wait to have my days back. I love my husband but going on week 4 of being together nearly all day every day, is very stressful. We have friends that own a business and are together what seems like all the time. I could not do that, I don’t think Casey would want that either. The past few days, I have spent getting Ian’s room arranged to be more toddler friendly. We now have a bookshelf with cubes to make storing things easier. I mentioned in a previous post we don’t use his closet. I find it overwhelming when we do, none of his clothes are hung up so what would I use it for? Now it is used to store things he has outgrown and other things. The closet in all over apartment are huge and plentiful(that is one of the great things about living in older apartments). In the past week I we decided if possible we will be renewing our lease for at least 6 months when it is up. It might even be longer, we know that we eventually want to rent a home with a yard but why am I so unhappy with what we have. We have everything we need space wise and then some. I think part of it is I feel overwhelmed with belongings, we I have begun to purge things. This is a slow process, I have so many things that I haven’t touched in years but have held on too. It is time to let things go. Nothing is exempt from being purged everything from clothes to kitchen klutter is gone. I am tired of living in a home that looks like we are still right out of college(well Casey at least, I still have to finish). It doesn’t have to break the bank to look like we I care about were we live. I mean Lauren has given me two lamps that go with my vibe and pull my living room together. I need to get brave and re-stain the bench that sits right in my front door to match the wood tones going on in my living room. Then my living room would be finished except for curtains(more blocking light then decoration, but I want them to look good)and either some art or a mirror on one wall. That would be the first room we have ever finished. We have always been worried about other things then finishing our home, but after the last few weeks both Casey has realized how important taking care of your home really is. That is something I have been trying to get him to understand. Next room is the bedroom, I wish. All we need for it is a $200 dresser from ikea and art work for above the headboard. Since, we purchased a new bed last fall our first real step at making our bedroom an oasis. Which we need to finish, we all the recent stresses life as thrown at us, we need a place to retire to and unwind. I no one thing as soon as I can get him to help me move it the Tv in there is gone. Even though there is no cable in any room but the living room, I feel like it has bad JuJu just being in there. I think I have rambled long enough. I will leave you with a picture of me and my love, one perk of him being home is he helps gets things done.
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In as many years.

Pink Slip

Yep, Casey has received 3 of these in as many years. This economy is kicking our ass, when do we get a break. It isn’t as if he works in an unstable field, he is a civil engineer, we are always working on projects related to this.

Seriously when do we get a break, every time I feel as our life is beginning to stabilize. Something happens, when do we get to relax for a moment and enjoy. I was just beginning to heal from the Hell of last month. Casey and I were beginning to start working on recovering our marriage, now we have to pull through this. These things are not easy on anyone, especially when coupled with numerous other road blocks.

Right now we are in a state of shock. We ask that you please keep us in your prayer. In an unrelated note this all happens right as I am giving my life back to God, and decide to no longer fight is plan for me and my family. Interesting timing my heart is softening but my head is filled with so much rage hasn’t he tested me enough. When does he let me start to heal from all struggles of my past, my car wreck at 17 that but me in a wheel chair at 17. Then 6 weeks later taking a friend in a car wreck so very similar to mine. Never once at that time did I question his plan or get angry. The next year when he took another friend to soon I never questioned. When he led me to move away from home and venture away from all I ever new I listened and moved. Then 2 years later when he took my beloved cousin Rusty, I started to question I turned my back to him(I never renounced my faith but I didn’t listen to his plan for me). During that time he gave me a beautiful health baby boy. Now as I am opening my heart back up to him he tests me, why?

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