If you follow me on twitter, in the past month are so you might have notice my annoyed tweets about my husband. I don’t know if these are growing pains, the fact that we have spent almost all our time together the last 3 months, or maybe we are reaching the end( I hope and pray it isn’t that). I know that the circumstances over the past bit have not been easy for us, it seems right as we are getting to a place were everything is working and we are communicating well. We get slapped in the face, I selfishly want to wish this on others sometimes. We have only been married 3 years and have been through so much (for a non-military marriage). Three Layoffs, me have to stop going to classes because of said layoffs, each stretch of un-employment get longer, a child, a miscarriage, going down to one car (this may not seem like a big deal to some, but being we live in Dallas, and the Public Transportation here blows it is a big deal), having to ask for help from our parents more then any grown married couple should. These are just the ones that came to mind at the moment, I know that there is more. We don’t communicate well at all, we have different love languages, we have different fight styles, different views on faith and different views on how a home should be kept. I know with out any one having to tell me my fight (argument) style is not fair and is truly very ugly, there is no excuse for this. I didn’t have great example of how to communicate effectively with your spouse, I knew at a very young age that my parents didn’t need to be together. They fought unfair they struck out at each other when the other was the weakest. I am very sad to say that I have been and still do sometimes fight like this. I am trying to change but sometimes I am successful, but at times when I am overly stressed and upset I fall back on old habits. Which cause him to shut down and ignore the words, gestures. In the past week, I feel like all the words I am saying are falling on deaf ears after a very ugly fight we had this past Sunday. Things were said that can never be taken back, I am the guilty party. When I ask him what to do to fix it, he says he is through arguing. I wish it was that easy, I know that every couple fights, nothing can be perfect all the time it isn’t human nature. I just want to argue less, I think we both have so much hope in the new job he is due to start on the 19th. What if when he goes back to work and the stress of the past few months begins to fade, that things don’t truly get easier? I know before anyone can say it, don’t make any life altering choices right now are during the next few months.
I know that, life isn’t supposed to be easy and the same can be applied to marriage. So please before you start talking about, counselling and all the good it brings. We plan on it when our insurance takes effect but it isn’t something we can afford at the moment. Also my biggest fear is that after a year we will get another pink slip, and I don’t know if he will be able to get another job. This past layoff we learned all the jobs he has had is hurting him, even with every old supervisor singing his praises and saying it isn’t his fault. The company he is going to work for still had doubts hence the reason it took so long for them to make an offer. I know that I could get a job but, with after paying for daycare and such my take home would be less then $100 a week. In my mind that isn’t worth giving my time to some company if I am not bringing enough home to make it worth it. Also as a former Daycare employee, no matter how nice it seems they are not what they seem. So as selfish as it may seem to my husband, my family and others; I can’t let Ian be in childcare full time. I would be okay, with maybe one day a week for social interaction but in reality I know that it is selfish of me to want to stay home. I know that my choice in the end can be hurting my family, but as a child of a mom that stayed home until I started school and I don’t know all the details but I am somewhat sure his mom stayed home too. It is hard to know when he want talk about growing up much, which is fucking infuriating, I want to ask his sister sometimes but some of the questions I have are not always as respectful. He keeps asking me what am I going to do once Ian goes to school, well first I would like to finish school. So that I can have a job that pays better then the retail field, I am so over the service industry with it’s crazy schedules, low pay, and so many more things. How can I make all this work, I feel like we built our foundation on sand and it is slipping away.
Don’t miss any of my adventures of being a Grown up?
I did not go back through and do a finally edit, so please keep all grammar, spelling and other complainants to you self. I need to get this out there, it is part of the reason I have been having trouble with my words as of recently. It is hard to write about what is going on in yor life when you are trying to avoid the biggest thing.