What Now?

I seem to always come back here when my brain is full. There is a lot going on in the world right now. It is a lot for my brain to process. I am already at like a 5 for anxiety most of the time and now it is hovering around an 8/9 most days. Last week the boys were home for spring break and that has been extended a week. We were just casual last week, no real routine. I already saw the breakdown of a week of no routine. So do I do what we do in the summer? We talked about what is going on, they understand as much as they can. On the other hand, the d&d games that take places in our home have been suspended until April. So there goes my interaction with people outside of my family. I am worried how my mental health will be in two-three weeks time during an already precocious time of the year for me. Things I am doing, since I only get a limited number of rescue anxiety meds : Daily Dance Parties, Blogging (I mean It’s here might as well use it), New Make Up Looks, and I ordered a bunch of crossword puzzles. I would love to say I would read, I have so many books on my kindle. I don’t think my attention span is there right now. I do have quite a few audible books though (I could try that). I also have my comics and graphic novels. I can’t take the boys to library to get more books because it is closed (and social distancing). I know I will rely heavily on my pocket friends and I am glad they are there. I have had to make myself relax my jaw a lot the past few days and now I am having to do the same with my neck and shoulders. What are your social distancing plans? Last night I said to C, “I feel like the world’s on fire”, his response “Not on fire but warm”.

ChhChanges

This spring holds a ton of changes for us, C is leaving the army and with comes its on set of challenges. While I am excited to be returning to TEXAS before my birthday!!!! While you can tell I am excited to be returning to Texas, I am stressed about upsetting the status quo that is my life. I am worried about back tracking and losing the progress I have made in my mental health. I am a totally different place. Does anyone else stress about having to find a new care team? I have been blessed to be lucky enough to find a care team that clicked from day one. Then there is changing Ian’s school during the school year. What can I do to help ease him through this big change? On top off all that we have to move, and with that it has it on set of challenges. Like finding a new place to move, and having to find our new home from 12 hours away. Then there is packing, which I am lucky enough to have help from a great friend. Let alone the actual move itself. Lets just hope I can come through all these Changes with my self intact.

I am selfish?

Is making myself a priority selfish. I struggle with this, I struggle with balancing caring for myself and caring for my family. I can’t imagine trying to work out of the home and balance it all. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed at where to begin that I don’t do anything at all. This happens way more then it should. I struggle with shutting down when I am overwhelmed. Do I retreat to protect myself from failure? I think I do, why am I so afraid of failing? Like I would rather not try then fail. I am afraid of failing my children, husband and family.

I struggle with keeping house, so much that it brings me to tears probably once a week. I want to keep a home like you expect from a stay at home mom. Instead, I am always drowning in laundry and needing to vacuum.

I am going to step away now before I start crying. Sorry about the abrupt ending.

Inner Demons

The day that I could wake up and not have to deal with the stress  with out wanting to shop. The feeling it gives me I can’t even explain, it is like doing drugs. I don’t mean to go over budget or buy all the little things (those add up quickly). We constantly talk about in therapy about this. I am worried for the day that C doesn’t understand anymore. What will come of me. How do I learn to fix this, how do I learn to stop?

Summer was a Bust

So I spent most of the second part of June trying to not go manic and failing. That wasn’t even the worst part. Most of July and August I was so depressed I couldn’t function. The idea of self care was anxiety inducing. I took care of my children and that was all I could manage and that wasn’t even at 100%. I would never wish this on my worse enemy. Summer has always been the toughest season for me, I have no idea why. After finally getting in to see my care team and lots of talking we are changing my meds after two years. I can say I am super nervous about this process. Anyone ever been through the process of changing there mood stabilizer what was it like?

Never Been Truer.

Crazy Bitches

I miss home and my friends. I really hope that in two years, he is in a place to get out and we can be stable. I miss Texas, I want to go home everyday. I knew that my friends and family were amazing. Living 12 hours away, I have cemented this knowledge…..

We will call her…

The Bleak Bitch, I have finally found a name for the nastiness that lives in my head. I hope one day to be free of this, Schizoaffective Disorder-Bipolar Type. When I feel up is it because I am happy or is it because it is lying to me. I am always in an internal war, does one know what it feels like to not be able to trust your mind. It is extremely hard when having a rough day and the boys are being boys. Yes I understand that mama’s can be down and out but I have to figure out if it’s them or me. And to be honest most days it is hard to sort it all out. Yes I am on meds and it helps but it isn’t the key. I want to not always be questioning the moment I am. I would like to have a brain going a million miles an hour. I want to know me, with out the lies. I have know idea who I am, I have been battling this since I was a teenager. Will I ever get to know me?

It is taking all my self control to not nap instead of keeping spring cleaning and purging.

Any spelling or grammar errors please forgive, this was written after taking an ambien.

Linking Up With

I am the Face.

Recently someones comments on Facebook really got me thinking. The comment was about Mental Illness and I took it as if people with mental illness would buck up and move on they would be fine. Well I wish I could tell this person I wish it was as easy as bucking up and moving on. This person has no idea what it is like to live like this? I didn’t choose this nor would I wish this on my worst enemy.

They have no idea what it is like to live everyday taking meds that just take the edge off, they in no way shape or form make me normal. It took years of living in a never ending turmoil and doctors not listening till I finally got answers.

If you have a love one that needs helps, please take them to a psychiatrist not just a general doctor. Get them the help they deserve.

I am the face of Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type.

Success and Failure

Well, I didn’t finish the Sarah Mae Unwired Mom Challenge like she has written. I did put down the technology though.

Random FootFoot Picture
Her life is so hard.

I also ended up with a stay in the mental health hospital, my mind went a little haywire and need a bit of a tweak to it’s meds. I am also starting therapy for the first time in my life, that in itself is stressful for me. Along with all that I got in a car accident the day after I got out of the hospital putting our only car out of commission. It will be two weeks this sunday, I now learned that rental car coverage is optional. So we have been up a creek with out a paddle.

That has been my last few weeks, I need a pedicure and room to breathe.