reflection 2 months out.

So two months out of the hospital and I can say for the most part I feel better then I have felt in my life. The longer I am in therapy. The more I am learning about myself and how to handle situations in the past that I would have blown up at. I can tell that the medication is working even if we have to tweak some things. I am lucky that my care team is awesome, going through the program I am going through I was worried. My fear was that I was going to get people who were burnt out and didn’t care. My psychiatrist said it best in my first appointment with him, “if he was in it for the money he would have a private practice, he is where he is at to help us.” I know that once my time is up, I will be referred to other doctors. That time is rapidly approaching and I am praying that I am as lucky this time. I finally asked my doctor what my official diagnosis is. I am still processing it also but with time I will share. I still haven’t shared what lead me to get help, I am still not there yet. I can say though that the first step admitting I need help was the hardest. I know that I am not really sharing much in this post outside f saying things are improving daily.

If you feel that you need help don’t be afraid to ask, there are systems in place to help. I have been extremely lucky that during this process I have seen how strong my support system is. I am so thankful for them, I am blessed to have great family and friends.

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Help is available

If you follow me on twitter you know that I recently sought help for some mental health issues. The help ended with a stay in the mental health hospital, I am not going to lie it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows. It was help I needed and help I am glad that I got. There is help out there, I am writing this post to help share some of the resources out there.

I wouldn’t have even known where to start with out the amazing ladies of #PPDCHAT hashtag on twitter, ran/founded by the amazing Lauren she also owns My Postpartum Voice. Thanks to her and the other ladies, I was led to the other resources that helped me.

Resource #1
I don’t know about other states but in the state of Texas, each county has a MHMR. I am pretty sure this is the statewide 24 hour crisis number they ask your location when you call.
1-800-762-0157

Resource#2
The National Suicide Hotline this number is also 24hours a day.
1-800-273-TALK

There are many more resources that I don’t know of and don’t list here. If you know of more and would like to add them to the comments please feel free. I am lucky that these resources were there for me and I want to share so that I can help at least one person.

Make it stop.

Damn you PPA/PPD, you are trying to take over my life again. I won’t let you win this time, I lived with you and the dark cloud for too long after Ian. If it would not have been for my amazing husband, Gabe, Abby, Sarah, and Dustin. Ian and I might not be standing here on the other side. This time the beast did not show up nearly as quickly this time. Just a few weeks ago, I was telling Abby how great I was feeling this time. I hadn’t had any of the crazy thoughts overwhelming my mind like last time. Then they start creeping in, it started with the thought of Ollie and I falling down the stairs and one or the other dying. Then Ian started this bird like screech that is mind melting to hear.
Any advice?
Don’t miss any of my adventures of being a Grown upIf you want more Bobbi, check out my babbles

The past 36 hours

#babywearing one whiny Ollie.Holy hell, where did my sweet Ollie go? He has been replaced by a non-napping, screaming, cranky bub. Yes he has always had a need for me, but last night Casey couldn’t even hold him with out him melting down. I wonder if part of the reason yesterday evening was so rough is he didn’t nap all afternoon. Well that theory got shot in the foot when he woke up in the same mood. This was after him sleeping beside me all night, even if I waited till he was fully asleep and tried to place him in his bed. It failed miserably. This mama was ready to pull her hair out, so I broke out the moby and decided we were going on a family walk. I went out to set up the jogging stroller to push Ian, and what do I find? It has 2 flats, I about cried. We pulled out our umbrella stroller and decided to go anyways, wow is all I can say. It isn’t meant for neighborhood style walking. We came back in and start the smurf dvd at Ian’s request for the second time. While I prepared lunch, to the music of a crying baby. We got lunch served for all of us, clean diapers, and then they went to their beds. So far everyone has quieted down, strike that Ian is singing. lets hope for a better evening. I wonder if is ear hurts and he can't tell me?
Don’t miss any of my adventures of being a Grown upIf you want more Bobbi, check out my babbles

The Calm Before The Storm

I swear this is a never ending cycle for us. Last Wednesday, Casey came home to inform me had been put on notice that he was being laid off at the end of the month (Mom when you read this do not call me in a panic about what we are going to do, I don’t know). We have been through this three times before so it shouldn’t surprise me that the man I love becomes a withdrawn grump. This time though, I don’t think I can handle him, a toddler, and being pregnant. I need my husband, I am not afraid to admit it. I think the most stressful part is the “helpful advice” others give, stop think before you speak. My husband has a very expensive piece of paper that makes it pretty much impossible for him to find something else to do. His experience is limited to his field of study, we can’t take the pay cut that entering another field at the bottom of the ladder would bring. Not only that but I wouldn’t want him to have to do that, there is no guarantee that any job is permanent.

Not only that but I need someone to be happy I am pregnant, all I hear is what is going on with the babie’s brain, really that is the name you chose, and what are you going to do now. Well here are the answers we are just going to watch it the blood test said it is nothing to be alarmed about, Yes that is the name I chose since Casey won’t do anything but turn names down (that is right he is withdrawn and sullen about this pregnancy), lastly I DON’T KNOW, STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS.

All I really want to do is pack a bag and run away by myself but that isn’t an option, I love my family and I would regret it if I did it. But I can’t go through this alone and I know what is coming a grumpy husband who thinks sitting at the computer all day “looking for jobs” is enough. Well it isn’t he is still a husband and a father even when unemployed and we need him still. Not only is there that but I have to go on medcaid and with that I have to change ob’s since mine doesn’t take medcaid. To you helpful advice giving people, cobra isn’t an option the cost of it is more then we can afford. With cobra still comes copays and deductible and all those take large sums of money that one is hard spent to come up with unemployed. Not only that I still need to prepare my self for the toughest part of pregnancy the end and then labor. At this moment I want to live in denial land and think it isn’t going to happen. I am not strong enough for all of this. (Dad don’t call me after reading this and lecture me about my feelings, I am a grown woman and allowed to feel overwhelmed.)

Confession Post

I am taking a page from a fellow blogger (Prairie Mama) and doing a confessions post. I know there are some many other things I should and could be posting about (reviews, giveaways, and the past couple weekends) but as of recent I have been feeling so busy that all I want to do is hide under the covers. Though hiding under the covers gets none of those finished but it makes me feel better. So I am instead going to doing a list post.

  •  I have three loads of laundry to fold. 
  • I need to rearrange some of the furniture in our bedroom since getting our new bed I can’t close FootFoot cage door. 
  • I can’t stand the new female anchor on the local morning news.
  • I really just want to take a trash bag to all of the unpacked stuff that is taking over my apartment.
  • I secretly have no desire to put up any holiday decorations, I have felt this way the past few years. 
  • I am excited about going to see New Moon tonight with Kari at midnight. 
  • Ian’s lack of napping is making me want to pull out my hair. 
  • I need a weekend sans Baby and Husband, but I have no where to go visit (give me ideas people)
  • Along the same lines I want my Husband and Baby to go visit people with out me for a couple of days so that I can clean in peace. 
  • If you can’t tell I am trying to fight off the darkness it is trying to claw it’s way back in. 
  • I love our new place but miss the close proximity to my friends, I didn’t realize how much seeing my friends affected me. 

I think that I have rambled on enough, I hope that your day is going well.