TRIGGER WARNING MENTAL HEALTH POST (DEATH IS TALKED ABOUT)
There are many faces to mental health, the world and social media typically see me smiling. Most of the summer this was my true face but the last 6/7 weeks have been hard in our house. The summer started out great and it stayed great most of the way through the boys break which is a big thing for me. I struggle hard in the spring and summer. I have had the term reverse SAD brought up by a couple of doctors. I don’t know enough about it, but if it is what it seems, I would say that it is pretty true for me.
Last year I talked about going back to school to become a real estate agent. Well, I lasted like a month in school before my mental health blew up. I probably should have been hospitalized last summer. Getting out of bed was literally painful. A medication changed help but didn’t complete fix it. So I stopped doing the work for the program, and things started looking up. It took me till March to admit to myself and C that I wasn’t gonna be able to mentally handle working. So now I need to find an attorney to help with the process of getting disability. And if you have problem with me looking for assistant, keep it to yourself until you walk in my shoes. Even after admitting this, and things looking up I still ended up in the mental hospital for a week over Easter holiday, for suicidal and homicidal thoughts. And with that stay I had to change providers to one covered by my insurance after paying cash since January because the providers on my insurance all work out of MHMR. And I will say that having gone through MHMR when I didn’t have insurance after Ollie was born, I felt like I was a cattle being put through a chute. Enough about that, I am now being seen by an MHMR provider in my home county. I have seen my provider twice and he is gruff but sadly I have no other choice (That Rant is a whole other post, comment if you want me to write it). So much happened this spring that I can’t talk about cause it isn’t my story alone to tell but lets just say that I became strong enough to get rid of some of the toxicity in my life. Doing so I feel so much better then I have felt better in years. Mental health is unpredictable and who knows where I will be in a few weeks.
This is probably gonna be long and ramble. But I mean who reads this anymore? Me I do, I just went through my archives to read about my Ryan Jane. After a twitter friend recently suffered a loss, it made me realize that I am far removed from the angry manic person who took a trip to utah with out even discussing with her husband in the months that followed. Wow it is amazing what a couple years of therapy and proper medication has done for me. Now in know way am I forgetting about my loss or the kindness showed to me in the days following it. So thank you again. It is amazing after reading those posts that I am still here, I was so angry and raw. I miss what could have been but am so Thankful for Oliver.
I have retreated I have noticed lately. I have been hiding from life, not just social media but life in general. I don’t know if it is the change of seasons or the stress. I don’t want to wish away time but I would like for us to be together again as a family even if it is for a short period of time. I feel like I am in the episode of SG-1 where Jack and Teal’C are in the time loop. I need to remember that at first they were frustrated and they get down, they then figure out how to make it better.
I need to figure out how to make this loop I am living bearable. I miss little things; like seeing Casey, getting the occasional moment to myself, pedicures, having time to groom.
How do I make time for myself and recover from this case of the blues.
I am waving it, at life right now. We are at the point where we might have to choose between electricity and water. I am job hunting right beside C, but the problem is we are afraid jobs might overlap and we have no free babysitting. On top off all that C isn’t comfortable with me having a job and the mental state I am in right now. I was exited out of the therapy program. It was only a crisis program, the ironic thing is I was exited out when it looks like I need help the most. Yes, I am still taking meds but coming up with the $45 to pay for them in 2 weeks may be a concern.
All I ever wanted as a child was to be the Maker of the Rules, now all I want it the comfort of my childhood again. It wasn’t perfect but man it was a lot easier then this. Part of me wonders if Ian will remember all this, I pray not. I know Ollie won’t but man I hate this. The option of moving somewhere else we thought we had isn’t really there.
So we are scrambling to find ways to make all our bills every month. It looks like C will work 2 jobs until he leaves for Basic. People have mentioned watching other peoples kids in the afternoon, well I don’t mine occasionally watching other kids an everyday thing isn’t for me. I am at a loss.
What I really need is to get back into therapy and truck load of money (hell I would take a job for my husband).
So if I am scarce in the next few weeks it is I don’t want to be the same dang song on repeat.
Does anyone have Puppies and Rainbows they can share. At this point I need to hear something good. I don’t want to have possibly(looking more possible then not) move in with my FIL.
I do have VBS to look forward too, I can’t wait to volunteer. At least there is that.
I discharged out of the crisis program this week, so I start going to the count clinic for doctors appointments until they can get me back into the non-crisis program. Which means no more therapy, I felt like I was getting so much out of it.
And a picture of Ollie in time out, hopefully will distract you.
I feel like I have take about 5 steps back in my getting on the right track this week. We are all recovering from a cold just strong enough to bring us down. So I know that I slept too much over the weekend and it has thrown be all over the place emotions wise. I know havig to deal with my mother in a pretty stressful siuation on Monday and Tuesday didn’t help at all. I don’t remember her once saying thank you after me driving to Ft. Worth for twice in two days. One of those days getting myself and my boys up before 6 am. Making me put my boys in the car for long amounts of time. Poor Ollie yesterday was a train wreck, he wanted to be held tight all day after spending too much time in the car. I don’t what has come over Ian today, we weren’t up 5 minutes and he was in time out for trying to hit me. The day has could be described as actions that lead to time out and time out. Poor kid, I know he is craving affection which I am trying to give but pulling my hair while hugging me or running up and hitting the dog for no reason are not allowed. Lastly oh the house, it was so easy to keep clean then I got sick first and lets just say trying to pick up isn’t as easy right now. Can someone also explain to my husband that the shoe basket isn’t or dirty socks!
I thinking I am going to break up asking for help, the diagnosis and the stay into their own posts. The timeline might jump but I think it is what will flow most naturally for me.
As a lot of you know I recently got help for what I now know is bi-polar disorder along with some postpartum psychological issues. The hardest part was making that first call; if it wasn’t for the lovely ladies of twitter and my husband I would still be in a very bad spot. I made the call and they chose to send an team out to talk to me right then at 11pm, I guess I must have sounded really bad. I didn’t know this until asking for help, if a team is coming out to asses you they send the police to make sure you are not a danger. So around 11:30 to police cruisers quietly pulled into my neighborhood, and knocked on my door. Which I rushed to hoping they wouldn’t wake up my sleeping children, I think in hindsight I am glad they slept through it all. I think it would have been much harder on all of us if they would have woken up.
This was all going on in the middle of the night. After I got to the hospital and through all the protocols it was 5 am, I had yet to sleep. I got into my room and slept through breakfast.
I will mention again asking for help is hard. If you feel as if you need it don’t be afraid to ask it is there. I will write more when I can. On an sort of disjointed note, I have already had to change meds once. The first meds were $$$, now I feel as if these second meds aren’t as effective. I know that the meds are not a fix all. I just am feeling very uneven again, to a point not to the extreme that I was. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow.
If you follow me on twitter you know that I recently sought help for some mental health issues. The help ended with a stay in the mental health hospital, I am not going to lie it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows. It was help I needed and help I am glad that I got. There is help out there, I am writing this post to help share some of the resources out there.
I wouldn’t have even known where to start with out the amazing ladies of #PPDCHAT hashtag on twitter, ran/founded by the amazing Lauren she also owns My Postpartum Voice. Thanks to her and the other ladies, I was led to the other resources that helped me.
I don’t know about other states but in the state of Texas, each county has a MHMR. I am pretty sure this is the statewide 24 hour crisis number they ask your location when you call.
The National Suicide Hotline this number is also 24hours a day.
There are many more resources that I don’t know of and don’t list here. If you know of more and would like to add them to the comments please feel free. I am lucky that these resources were there for me and I want to share so that I can help at least one person.
It all started about six weeks ago, with a constant desire to eat and as of last week morphed into an ugly ass beast. I had a non-existent fuse and the idea of getting out bed in the morning was along the lines of torture to me. I thought long and hard about what could be causing these feelings, I knew the answer but didn’t want to face it most people won’t understand it. Heck I didn’t even realize what was going on until the day my period started and I had the mother off all panic attacks. I felt like I was going to die. My period happen to start on the same day as my loss two years ago and it was eerily close to the same time also.
I wish that I could not be effected by the events of two years ago, but I am. They still haunt me. Yes, I am thankful for Ollie but unless you have had a loss you won’t get. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. I realized over the weekend if I didn’t start to do something, I was going to lose my mind.
So on Monday morning, I got up decided that I wasn’t going to take a nap (something I had been doing to avoid thinking). I was going to step out of the kitchen and stop drinking coke like it was water. I am now constantly carrying around the big mugs they give you in the hospital. I have woken up each morning this week and got up with a smile, even if I had to fake it.
I will come out of this stronger, I will come out of this happier, and I will not let depression win.