We will call her…

The Bleak Bitch, I have finally found a name for the nastiness that lives in my head. I hope one day to be free of this, Schizoaffective Disorder-Bipolar Type. When I feel up is it because I am happy or is it because it is lying to me. I am always in an internal war, does one know what it feels like to not be able to trust your mind. It is extremely hard when having a rough day and the boys are being boys. Yes I understand that mama’s can be down and out but I have to figure out if it’s them or me. And to be honest most days it is hard to sort it all out. Yes I am on meds and it helps but it isn’t the key. I want to not always be questioning the moment I am. I would like to have a brain going a million miles an hour. I want to know me, with out the lies. I have know idea who I am, I have been battling this since I was a teenager. Will I ever get to know me?

It is taking all my self control to not nap instead of keeping spring cleaning and purging.

Any spelling or grammar errors please forgive, this was written after taking an ambien.

Linking Up With

I am the Face.

Recently someones comments on Facebook really got me thinking. The comment was about Mental Illness and I took it as if people with mental illness would buck up and move on they would be fine. Well I wish I could tell this person I wish it was as easy as bucking up and moving on. This person has no idea what it is like to live like this? I didn’t choose this nor would I wish this on my worst enemy.

They have no idea what it is like to live everyday taking meds that just take the edge off, they in no way shape or form make me normal. It took years of living in a never ending turmoil and doctors not listening till I finally got answers.

If you have a love one that needs helps, please take them to a psychiatrist not just a general doctor. Get them the help they deserve.

I am the face of Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type.

I did it!

I managed to import my old two blogs here, all by myself. That isn’t all that has been going on. We have had playdates, with friends, preparing for basketball season (Ian’s first season), preparing for Christmas, and spending time with C before he leaves for basic.

Things have feel like they are improving for me, I think my med cocktail seems to be just right. Lets hope that it stays that way. I am terrified of the changes, my biggest fear is going manic while C is gone. I can notice the depression symptoms as they come on but I have trouble noticing when I am in a manic period. I am lucky that I have a great doctor that knows what is going on.

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So overall things are finally looking up. I know that we still have some tough times but we will overcome them as a family.

reflection 2 months out.

So two months out of the hospital and I can say for the most part I feel better then I have felt in my life. The longer I am in therapy. The more I am learning about myself and how to handle situations in the past that I would have blown up at. I can tell that the medication is working even if we have to tweak some things. I am lucky that my care team is awesome, going through the program I am going through I was worried. My fear was that I was going to get people who were burnt out and didn’t care. My psychiatrist said it best in my first appointment with him, “if he was in it for the money he would have a private practice, he is where he is at to help us.” I know that once my time is up, I will be referred to other doctors. That time is rapidly approaching and I am praying that I am as lucky this time. I finally asked my doctor what my official diagnosis is. I am still processing it also but with time I will share. I still haven’t shared what lead me to get help, I am still not there yet. I can say though that the first step admitting I need help was the hardest. I know that I am not really sharing much in this post outside f saying things are improving daily.

If you feel that you need help don’t be afraid to ask, there are systems in place to help. I have been extremely lucky that during this process I have seen how strong my support system is. I am so thankful for them, I am blessed to have great family and friends.

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Help is available

If you follow me on twitter you know that I recently sought help for some mental health issues. The help ended with a stay in the mental health hospital, I am not going to lie it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows. It was help I needed and help I am glad that I got. There is help out there, I am writing this post to help share some of the resources out there.

I wouldn’t have even known where to start with out the amazing ladies of #PPDCHAT hashtag on twitter, ran/founded by the amazing Lauren she also owns My Postpartum Voice. Thanks to her and the other ladies, I was led to the other resources that helped me.

Resource #1
I don’t know about other states but in the state of Texas, each county has a MHMR. I am pretty sure this is the statewide 24 hour crisis number they ask your location when you call.
1-800-762-0157

Resource#2
The National Suicide Hotline this number is also 24hours a day.
1-800-273-TALK

There are many more resources that I don’t know of and don’t list here. If you know of more and would like to add them to the comments please feel free. I am lucky that these resources were there for me and I want to share so that I can help at least one person.