The walls started to crumble around the end of July beginning of August, I don’t know if it was summer solstice alone or the fact that the anniversary of my mom’s death is first of August. The fact that I got so far into summer with out a slip up made me cocky (?), I just thought I might get through a summer with out having any issues. Well reality slapped me in the fucking face hard. I didn’t end up in the hospital or close (I think). I was never having any suicidal idealization, I did have the always ebbing and flowing thought come back that death will be a sweet release. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to take my life, or do anything to risk my life. Just the thought that death when it comes will be a relief, I will finally be released of this burden. The first time I tried to explain this to Casey, he was like what you want to die all the time? No not all the time, I just know death will bring peace. I don’t seek it out, I don’t think about causing it, I just think about death. I didn’t realize this isn’t “Normal”, until I told a few more people. It isn’t always at the forefront, it is like a current it ebbs and flows, it is always there just not always strong. It never came to the forefront of my brain but the thought became a little louder during the first few weeks of August. I could tell I was off, I couldn’t tell if I was depressed, manic, or a combo of both. I don’t think I ever had a full blown bout of mania, but I do think I had from periods of hypo mania. I have seen my doctor, we decide that I was on extremely low dose of one of me meds and seeing if upping it helped plus coming out of summer. My Psychiatrist said I am still on a low dose even now, so hopefully this helps. I don’t want to end up how I was the fall of 2017, a combo of grief, a medication that made everything worse, and full blown mania. I know that I am a pretty good at gauging myself but I still struggle, I knew something was off and couldn’t figure it out. I finally opened up to Casey and he’s like I think this is what is going on. Well dude you could talk to me, I wasn’t mad but I am human and mentally ill. Outside perspective helps, duh dude. Sometimes though he doesn’t realize something is off until me or Cassy bring it up too him. I mean my psychiatrist wasn’t so concerned to see me again 4 weeks, they want to see me in 8 weeks (sooner if I feel I need to come in). So I don’t feel utterly lost just like a backtracked a little, though why do I say it like that. Mental Illness isn’t a diet, it isn’t something I can recover from. I will have Schiozoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type, ADD, Anxiety, PMDD, and maybe a couple of other things still in diagnosis stages for the rest of my life. There will be times of trials and times of triumphs; I will go go through them and be strong at the end of each.