Losing Control

It all started about six weeks ago, with a constant desire to eat and as of last week morphed into an ugly ass beast. I had a non-existent fuse and the idea of getting out bed in the morning was along the lines of torture to me. I thought long and hard about what could be causing these feelings, I knew the answer but didn’t want to face it most people won’t understand it. Heck I didn’t even realize what was going on until the day my period started and I had the mother off all panic attacks. I felt like I was going to die. My period happen to start on the same day as my loss two years ago and it was eerily close to the same time also.

I wish that I could not be effected by the events of two years ago, but I am. They still haunt me. Yes, I am thankful for Ollie but unless you have had a loss you won’t get. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. I realized over the weekend if I didn’t start to do something, I was going to lose my mind.

So on Monday morning, I got up decided that I wasn’t going to take a nap (something I had been doing to avoid thinking). I was going to step out of the kitchen and stop drinking coke like it was water. I am now constantly carrying around the big mugs they give you in the hospital. I have woken up each morning this week and got up with a smile, even if I had to fake it.

I will come out of this stronger, I will come out of this happier, and I will not let depression win.

 
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About BadWolfBobbi

Chronic Over-sharer with Schizoaffective bipolar type. Wife, Mother, Texas Aggie, Whovian.
This entry was posted in Bobbi Janay, dark and twisty, family, Ryan Jane. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Losing Control

  1. Abigail says:

    I’m just catching up on my blog reading. Sending so much love your way. It is the worst kind of pain. If you ever need to talk please send me an email.

    Like

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