What if it isn’t enough

If you follow me on twitter, in the past month are so you might have notice my annoyed tweets about my husband. I don’t know if these are growing pains, the fact that we have spent almost all our time together the last 3 months, or maybe we are reaching the end( I hope and pray it isn’t that). I know that the circumstances over the past bit have not been easy for us, it seems right as we are getting to a place were everything is working and we are communicating well. We get slapped in the face, I selfishly want to wish this on others sometimes. We have only been married 3 years and have been through so much (for a non-military marriage). Three Layoffs, me have to stop going to classes because of said layoffs, each stretch of un-employment get longer, a child, a miscarriage, going down to one car (this may not seem like a big deal to some, but being we live in Dallas, and the Public Transportation here blows it is a big deal), having to ask for help from our parents more then any grown married couple should. These are just the ones that came to mind at the moment, I know that there is more. We don’t communicate well at all, we have different love languages, we have different fight styles, different views on faith and different views on how a home should be kept. I know with out any one having to tell me my fight (argument) style is not fair and is truly very ugly, there is no excuse for this. I didn’t have great example of how to communicate effectively with your spouse, I knew at a very young age that my parents didn’t need to be together. They fought unfair they struck out at each other when the other was the weakest. I am very sad to say that I have been and still do sometimes fight like this. I am trying to change but sometimes I am successful, but at times when I am overly stressed and upset I fall back on old habits. Which cause him to shut down and ignore the words, gestures. In the past week, I feel like all the words I am saying are falling on deaf ears after a very ugly fight we had this past Sunday. Things were said that can never be taken back, I am the guilty party. When I ask him what to do to fix it, he says he is through arguing. I wish it was that easy, I know that every couple fights, nothing can be perfect all the time it isn’t human nature. I just want to argue less, I think we both have so much hope in the new job he is due to start on the 19th. What if when he goes back to work and the stress of the past few months begins to fade, that things don’t truly get easier? I know before anyone can say it, don’t make any life altering choices right now are during the next few months.

I know that, life isn’t supposed to be easy and the same can be applied to marriage. So please before you start talking about, counselling and all the good it brings. We plan on it when our insurance takes effect but it isn’t something we can afford at the moment. Also my biggest fear is that after a year we will get another pink slip, and I don’t know if he will be able to get another job. This past layoff we learned all the jobs he has had is hurting him, even with every old supervisor singing his praises and saying it isn’t his fault. The company he is going to work for still had doubts hence the reason it took so long for them to make an offer. I know that I could get a job but, with after paying for daycare and such my take home would be less then $100 a week. In my mind that isn’t worth giving my time to some company if I am not bringing enough home to make it worth it. Also as a former Daycare employee, no matter how nice it seems they are not what they seem. So as selfish as it may seem to my husband, my family and others; I can’t let Ian be in childcare full time. I would be okay, with maybe one day a week for social interaction but in reality I know that it is selfish of me to want to stay home. I know that my choice in the end can be hurting my family, but as a child of a mom that stayed home until I started school and I don’t know all the details but I am somewhat sure his mom stayed home too. It is hard to know when he want talk about growing up much, which is fucking infuriating, I want to ask his sister sometimes but some of the questions I have are not always as respectful. He keeps asking me what am I going to do once Ian goes to school, well first I would like to finish school. So that I can have a job that pays better then the retail field, I am so over the service industry with it’s crazy schedules, low pay, and so many more things. How can I make all this work, I feel like we built our foundation on sand and it is slipping away.
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I did not go back through and do a finally edit, so please keep all grammar, spelling and other complainants to you self. I need to get this out there, it is part of the reason I have been having trouble with my words as of recently. It is hard to write about what is going on in yor life when you are trying to avoid the biggest thing.

11 Replies to “What if it isn’t enough”

  1. Okay, I really want to respond to this thoughtfully, but I wanted to say first: have you considered getting a job in the daycare industry where Ian could be there with you? I don't know how it works in regular day care but I know that the base ones have also helped other women I knew in England pay for school for something like pre-k education.


  2. Bobbi,I have been exactly where you are, most weeks My husband and I are fased with the same challenges. We just went through a terrible rough patch and I was doubting if we would get through it. But we did, we just had to learn to not take our frustrations out on each other my yelling. Trust me this was a very hard thing for me to learn, I am a yeller when I get mad, but I learned to talk with him and not yell and it seems to work. We have had to rely on our parents for money more times than I want to admit, which is why we decided to put some distance and moved. Since we moved we have learned to put more faith and trust in eachother and rely on ourselves and not our parents. It has done wonderful things for us. Money was tight for a long time because of his job, but he recently started a new job too, and things are getting better. I hope that your husbands new job brings happiness back into your lives, you guys really deserve something good! I am in the same boat with the whole working and paying for daycare and I feel the same way about putting Abbi in daycare, AIN'T gonna happen. If you ever need to talk just call me I am always here for ya and would be more than happy to listen!Love Ya! Jamie


  3. Hey girl. I feel your heartache and frustration right now. Been there, done that. It's really unfair for you to judge the quality of your marriage right now, based on everything that you have gone through recently, and the things that you are still dealing with. It's only natural that things are going to feel pretty rocky for you right now.Hang in there. Do the best you can to love each other, and to keep those lines of communication open. **hugs**


  4. Hey Bobbi,I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. I'm with MommaSunshine on this one: your marriage hasn't had a chance to grow and flourish yet. You've been hit by a string of really unfortunate circumstances. That should and will change in the future, and then you and hubby will have time to reconnect. Geekster and I have been together for 17 years and weathered many storms. There are some times I look back on and wondered how on earth we ever survived them. In fact, I just asked him out of curiosity. He said two things:1. We're both really committed to make our relationship work despite the bumps in the road and, 2. Sometimes, you just have to accept that things are going to suck for a while, but believe that they will get better if you just hang in there.Wisdom from my fairly wise man (one of the many reasons I love him to pieces – slightly less during the stressful times)Hope things start to look a little brighter soon ((((hugs))))


  5. I agree with The Maven's Geekster! My husband and I have been married for two years and we've gone through some really crappy stuff too. He changed jobs because he was miserable and took a huge paycut, which at the time we were ready to handle until I lost my job. We recooped, but have had many stressful times since that left both of us wondering if we were meant to be together. We've had some pretty ugly fights too and I know what you mean about not being able to take back what is said. I think we've come through these situations because when times are good…we promise each other that we are in it until the end. We have faith in the future even though it seems so far away. I wish you a lot of luck and hope you can work through it.


  6. Oh girly, hang in there. My husband and I went through a VERY tough time, in the begining. We almost got divorced several times. I thought it would never get better. But we toughed it out. And if you and your husband truly love each other. It will all work itself out. I can't offer any advice like I wish I could. I can just offer support, and an ear if you ever need one. Hang in there Mama.


  7. If the love is there the rest will catch up. You guys hae been through a lot and all of it is no doubt putting stress on your relationship. I think that you staying home with Ian is the best option for your family. There are plenty of those work from home telemarketing jobs you can look into if you want to help bring in money for your family. I think that you need to spend more time with your family and less time away from them. And retract your claws when it comes to Casey's laziness. If he doesn't do the dishes so what?! It's annoying but that's who he is and you knew that before you married him.


  8. My husband & I have been together over 10 years now but only in the last 5 has it been really good. Part of it is growing into your own person and part of it is growing together.It's a struggle, and it's never going to be perfect, but you just do the best you can & love as much as you can and you'll get through this, hopefully.


  9. wow, have I been in your shoes. Only I fought the good fight for 15 years, and eventually I hated the person I became. I asked for a divorce a year ago this month. Then I found someone amazing and I realized what I had been missing all those years.I think it's important to keep a few things in mind.1. Do you like yourself when you're together? Does he help make you a better person, a better mother? When you have somone like that in your life you can get through the rough patches. When you don't it's an uphill fight.2. Financial problems are one of the three major causes of stress related divorce according to my (former) shrink. If the financial pressures you've been under have been an ongoing problem since the beginning of your marriage I think it's only fair to give yourselves a chance to see what your marriage is like when things are smooth, and the money worries aren't making everything so stressful. 3. How's the sex? Seriously! Even in the worst of times, if you have a close, satisfying sexual relationship you can wrap yourself up in that little love cocoon for a while and it seems to make life more bareable. Maybe work on that aspect of your marriage and see if you breath a little life and fire into things. It's so much easier to be kind and loving to each other when you've had some mind blowing sex the night before! 😀 I hope things even out for you guys. It really sounds like the lay offs and job stress is just making everything harder to deal with. Good luck, marriage is HARD. I'm not sure I'll ever do it again. I'm okay with living in sin, lol…


  10. I'm sorry to hear that things seem so bleak right now. You've already been given tons of advice, I just wanted to say that I read the post and I hope things get better.


  11. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have two kids, close in age, and live on top of each other in a very small house. But other than that, we have no excuse for allowing stress and exhaustion to crush our relationship, but we totally are guilty of that. We fight a lot. We don't get along. We fall out of love all the time it seems. It's embarrassing that we haven't handled parenthood better. We thought we were better than this. We're going to make it, I believe that, but it is very hard and sad. i know how you feel. I think for us it's having children – it changed us so completely. Your situation is stress of losing jobs and money issues. I hope it gets better. If seeing a counselor is out of the question – are you religious? Usually your priest/pastor will talk with you free of charge, and sometimes that can help.


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