For three weeks I have been telling those that ask I am healing and starting to feel human again, well all lies. I don’t feel any better the struggle to get out of bed every morning, even though I wake up to one happy healthy baby boy who I love with all my heart. I wonder if it would all be easier if I didn’t wake up in the morning, yet I know that isn’t the answer. I would miss all of Ian’s smiles and hugs. Part of me hates my husband right now, he seems to have forgotten I was every pregnant. To him it was all like a dream and now that Ryan is gone means nothing to him. Most days I want to runaway, and dream of never coming back. Yes I would miss my family, but sometimes the idea of starting over seems so nice. I know that this my seem all over dramatic to some, since I was only 13 weeks pregnant with Ryan. It isn’t it is how I feel I am so drowning in the darkness, I always thought that my family would understand that it isn’t something you get over, in a week. Already I am getting questioned about when we will try again, I don’t know it this is meant to make me feel better but it doesn’t, it only hurts more. Stop asking at the moment I don’t know if, I ever want to go through pregnancy again. Please don’t tell me that is just a feeling it will pass, I don’t know if it will. I wish my husband was open to the call of adoption, I would love to adopt. I wouldn’t want Ian to be an only child(I don’t have anything against it, I am an only child and I loved my childhood). I also need to get back on my walk with God, I am so lost right now. I know that part of it is I am married to a man who grew up in a christian home and is saved but no doubts his beliefs. We have had many a fight about this, so much so that I can’t talk about anymore with out crying. I need God and a church home to make me feel whole, I want Ian to grow up with the same love and faith I had. I guess I have aired enough of our dirty laundry for one night.

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