Anger and lots of it

To my family and those easily offend I curse a lot in this post. It is full of raw emotions. So Aunt Doll I love you but stop reading if you don’t want to see my pain.

This past 5 days has kicked my ass in a way it hasn’t been kicked since the end of 2002 . I seriously haven’t felt so much anger in so long, all I want to is scream FUCK at the top of my lungs. After everything that went down Friday, I also learned that we lost the baby a month ago (WHAT THE FUCK BODY!). I shouldn’t even start on my FUCKING HORRID er experience(DO NOT GO TO BAYLOR DOWNTOWN’S ER). After waiting in the waiting room for almost 3 hours I was ushered into a room, had an exam blood drawn and then sent to another DAMN waiting room. Where I waited for an hour for a sonogram, where I met the worlds rudest and most inept tech. he made me insert my own trans-vaginal wand(twice he said i did it wrong the first time). He was rough and short with me, when he called a Dr. in to confirm what he saw the dumbass Dr. came in and bluntly with no care or sympathy I am here to confirm he saw no heartbeat (did he sick the class on bedside manner in med school, dumbass. I feel like Red Foreman writing a blog post. After they tell me my baby is dead, they then send me back to a waiting room(I was alone during all of this they wouldn’t let Casey in the sonogram room with me, Fucking Dumbasses). I tell him the news and then find out they want me to sit there another 2-3 hrs to talk to a hospital OB, that is going to do nothing but tell me to follow up with my DR. on Monday. I said Fuck no and left AMA(Against Medical Advice). I couldn’t sit in a waiting room for another fucking large chunk of time, I wanted to go home and wake up Ian and love on him. Luckily he was with Aunt Abby and Sarah who love him dearly. We left came home I woke up my teenager in a toddler body and loved on him like I hadn’t done before.
Saturday was it’s own nightmare, I had to tell family and friends what was going on. With each new person told, I had to relive the night before in all of its fucking glory. I had to tell them we didn’t really know anything and wouldn’t until I got to see a doctor. Sunday I took some time for myself went with a friend got a pedicure and a drink (I needed it at that point). I went to bed that night thinking and praying the doctor would help me get this nightmare over.
Boy was I WRONG, Monday was its own brand of Hell and Cluster Fuck all mixed into one. Between the damn Birth Center taking its own fucking sweet time get back with the Dr.’s office I would even be seen till Tuesday. Multiply times I had told both the DR.’s office and BC that I already have depression and anxiety issues to please not draw this out (I swear sawing that made them fucking drag their feet even more). When I finally got in yesterday, after waiting over an hour in the waiting room full of pregnant women (what idiot nurse does that when you look at my chart you can see what I am going through and all the read flags of anxiety and depression issues). After making an Ass of myself they put me in a room to wait(thank goodness), finally I got see a doctor she talked with me and told me she would rather wait it out. That is when I put my foot down and said that wasn’t an option unless they want me to end up at the funny farm. She then said we will make it happen, after so awesome planning on her part, she got it scheduled for today at 11 at her office.
This morning I woke up and was grateful that part of this nightmare would end today. We went in and I was scared and worried but ready to have it over. We were in the office for a little over 2 hours when it was all said and done.
Now for the healing to begin, I want to cry, scream, break things, and hug Ian all the time. I will be okay with time I won’t ever forget, but I will heal. I want to thank you my readers, twitter followers and family for support. I will need it for awhile longer and I am grateful to know you will be there.
I also want to thank those who donated to help us with the medical costs. I am to ask those that donated, what they would like me to do with the what will me left over?
Thank you all again for the love and support.

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