Dark and Twisty

Fair warning this is a Dark and Twisty post, where I am going say some uncomfortable things. The future it seems that everyone is always talking about it except Casey and I. We never discuss where we want to be in five years and so on. When people ask me what am I going to do with my self I always say teacher, but in reality I have no idea if I am going to be alive in 5 years. I have always felt since I was little (8 or 9 years old) that God’s purpose for me would be completed when I was young. I am not talking suicide here people just that I wasn’t meant to walk on this earth for a long life. As God has taken those I love away from me and at pretty consistent rate, I wonder how can he expect me to stay here with out them. My biggest in life is that I will be left alone with out those I love, I know that I wouldn’t be able to survive.I know that most people would say that this is me being over dramatic but it is how I feel, I have know clue where and what god has planned for me but I couldn’t handle it if he left me alone.

If you can’t tell right now I am in a very dark and twisty place, I am in desperate need to reconnect with  God and Myself. I try to talk about my feelings to those who care about me but they always think I am attacking them when I start talking. Which I am not I am just trying to say that I feel overwhelmed, need more help and a break. I can’t do it all and I know that I don’t but at this moment I feel as if I am about to pull my hair out and sit in the corner rocking back and forth singing. My son has not gotten out of his pj’s one day this week, I say it is because of the weather but in truth it is because I am emotional exhausted, my mind has been working in overdrive recently. I think our move effected me more then I expected, I felt the same way after I first moved to College Station. I had a great support group of friends right there, I know that I didn’t move that far but it is far enough. I have gone from seeing them once to twice a week to once a month. If you can’t tell I am the type of girl who thrives on being surrounded by those I love.

I also need a break from my child, I need at least 24 hours of not changing diapers, wiping snotty noses and so forth. I know that selfish but I need to reconnect with me to the best mother I can be. I would love to be able to get a massage or a pedicure, but trying to convince Casey that they aren’t a waste money is like pulling teeth. It would be about impossible to convince him to let me go spend the night in a hotel by myself to reconnect with myself, I have friends that offered to let me spend a couple of days at there home. What I really need though is to be with me I have lost my self and I need find me and fast before I start drowning.

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